Posts Tagged Washington Redskins
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Apr 4
If you happened to catch a glimpse of the TYSOTB editorial staff partying with New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin in the champagne room at the Hustler Club on Bourbon street, or chillin with Pedro Cerrano in a suite at the Sugar Bowl, I’m sure you understand why we’ve been down for the count for the past week. But with there being all sorts of wildin out going on in the sports world, and this being the first day I don’t feel like complete shit, I’m going to tentatively declare us back for 2010. Here’s a quick rundown of some shit that happened.
BCS: I know you’re all just sick with anticipation for Vato’s objective analysis of relative SEC performance in the BCS, including Florida’s dismantling of Eastern Northwestern Central South Northern Cincinnati Polytechnic Community College, but he’s working on a big merger, so you’ll have to chill till Monday for the internet’s most authoritative objective analysis of NCAA football. Likewise, Deutschbag is setting up a series of sweatshops in Micronesia, so a thorough blowing of the Big Ten will have to wait as well.
SEC
NFL: The Houston Texans beat the living shit out of the New England Patriots. Here’s the whole highlight reel, with notable points of interest listed below.
0:43- Wes Welker tears an ACL and MCL on the first Patriots possession. That kind of sucks because Welker is the tolerable Patriot, but it’s notable because his loss for the season makes the Patriots approximately as good as the Rams. Also, Bill Belichick blamed it on the Texans’ groundskeepers.
1:47- TYSOTB Patron Saint Bernard Pollard recovers a fumble for a TD. More from St. Bernie later.
Some point in between: Tom Brady begs an official for a flag after a completely fair hit from a Texan. I’ve scoured the entire internet for this clip, and when it becomes available, its going up as a separate post. Take your skirt off…oh fuck it never mind.
5:00- St. Bernie intercepts Brady to set up winning Texans drive.
NFL Part Deux: Mike Shanahan is hired as the new Washington Redskins head coach. Now if we could just get the Giants to stop licking the windows, the NFC East would be the undisputed best conference in football.
MLB: Matt Holliday signs big contract to stay with Cardinals, Cardinals retain the best 1-2 hitting punch in baseball history and are automatic World Series contenders. Randy Johnson retires at age 73 or something. Avian baseball fans everywhere rejoice. Producers of adult acne treatments and mullet hair products despair. 2010 Hall of Fame class headlined by Barry Larkin and Roberto Alomar, and of course, the indisputable best hitter of all time, Crime Dog Fred McGriff.
NBA: Gilbert Arenas goes all Luke McNamara vs. Caleb Mandrake with teammate Javaris Crittenton. This has the potential to be the best sports news story of the decade. But what can you say about Gilbert Arenas that hasn’t already been said about Flava Flav?
Golf: Aw Christ I can’t find it. To hell with it.
Now discuss amongst yourselves.
Sherman Lewis make plays call real good!!
As a long-time Eagles fan and current Washington, DC powerbroker, it has been one of the sublime miseries of my life to have to watch the Washington Redskins every weekend for the last 4 years. This season, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of watching Jim Zorn try to defeat NFL powerhouses like the St. Louis Rams, the Cleveland Browns, the Tampa Bay Bucs (sorry Deutsch), and the Kansas City Chiefs, often in succession, and occasionally with futility. So I’m overwhelmed with sadness to announce that this will be the last time many of us will ever get to watch Jim Zorn head coach an NFL team. But you have to have a sense of humor about this shit. There’s no problem that 20 RBVs and a bottle of vicodin can’t solve.* Here’s some rules to get you started, and be sure to double the recipe if you’re a Giants fan, you Godless Communist.
Drink:
1) Anytime someone wears pants, as unlikely as that may be in this game. See our glossary for the definition of pantswearing.
2) Anytime you suspect Speakerboxx(x) is being Speakerboxx(x). Be very suspicious.
3) Anytime an announcer makes sexy talk (boy Eli really slid a long one into a tight hole, Jaws).
4) Anytime Jim Zorn looks like he just got Eiffel Towered by Dan Snyder and Sherman Lewis.
5) Half of your drink for every turnover.
6) Anytime the other Steve Smith is referred to as “The Other Steve Smith.”
7) Three times for any mention of Mike Shanahan, then send a letter to your Congressman asking that they lobby Dan Snyder to retain Jim Zorn.
8 ) Anytime you’re curious about why Antwan Randle El is still gainfully employed as a kick returner.
9) Anytime Eli Manning looks confused.
10) Mother fuck the Giants and the Redskins.
*TYSOTB and the Surgeon General do not actually recommend that you take a whole bottle of Vicodin with 20 RBVs.
Tonight’s MNF match up between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Washington Redsk, er, Native-Americanskins is like Lindsey Lohan. You might have been able to talk me into it last year, but this season, I wouldn’t fuck it with your dick. This is a storied NFL rivalry that, on paper, features an NFC favorite with one of the most exciting offenses in the NFL. Unfortunately, on the field, that offense got shut down a week ago by the Raiders. And of course, any chance at seeing some quality football is immediately minimized by the inclusion of the Washington Redskins, the undisputed Courtney Love of the NFL. Instead of firing underachieving head coach Jim Zorn after a loss to the Chiefs last week, owner Dan Snyder chose to hand his balls play calling duties over to a “consultant.” Current odds of that working out well are just below the odds of Alessandra Ambrosio stumbling into my apartment to run a blow job marathon. That’s right, 8-1. So if you need a little pick me up to get interested in this one, we can’t blame you. Here are the rules to this week’s edition of the MNF drinking game. As always, enjoy responsibly.
MNF Standards:
Drink
1) anytime an announcer says something that could be construed as sexual innuendo. One of my favorites from last Sunday for example: “He just couldn’t hold on with Johnson plowing him from behind.”
2) anytime B-Boxx(x) is being B-Boxx(x). Knock yourself out with this one. Please.
3) anytime the play calling of Redskins consultant Sherman Lewis is discussed. By extension, drink anytime Jim Zorn looks impotent.
4) anytime Andy Reid takes up more than one half the total surface area of your TV screen.
5) anytime Andy Reid or Donovan McNabb does something completely inexplicable. This includes episodes of poor clock management, inappropriate play calling, bad challenges, throwing up in the huddle, playing for the tie, or not knowing the basic rules of football.
6) once for every Mike Vick sighting. Finish half your drink if Mike Vick plays and actually contributes to the Eagles gaining positive yardage.
7) anytime Jason Campbell demonstrates that he’s not a very good quarterback. Be careful with this one.
8 ) three times for every Albert Haynesworth “injury.”
9) any time an announcer says the full version of something that is usually otherwise abbreviated, e.g. when Jon Gruden calls the NFL the National Football League.
10) fuck it. once for every point scored. my guess is you won’t be drinking much more than 13 sips of Miller Lite for this one.
POWERBALL Word of the Week. Drink any time the word “PLATE” is used.
Enjoy.
Sheriff Gonna Getcha says, “If you’re not having fun, fun will be provided for you!”
