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Posts Tagged Terrible Announcers

Sunday Night Joe Morgasm: Batting AVG edition

Apr 18

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Uncategorized | No Comments

emo cows

Your witty insight from Joe Morgan for this Sunday night, regarding the quality of Ichiro relative to a hitter batting .300:

.340 is a lot better than .300.

That’s true Joe. I gotta hand it to you this time you wiley bastard. But do you know how much better? That’s right, 4 hits over the course of 100 at-bats. Put another way, 1 more hit per 25 at bats, or yet another way, about 25 hits better over the course of a MLB season. And note for the record that’s ABs, and not plate appearances. That’s just a couple of the reasons that batting average is not the best indicator of the quality of hitters. I hate to sit here and bore our dedicated readers by reciting the most basic mathematical realities of baseball, but until you stop being a total dumb-ass, or at least stop insulting the fans that write about this stuff, I’m gonna keep doing what I have to do. This shit is what kills me about you Joe. For all the condescending bullshit you spout about sabermetricians, you use statistics ALL THE TIME. You just use the wrong ones.

Editors Note: I was searching google images for the term “dumb ass,” and I saw this picture of an emo cow and I thought it was hilarious. Imagine Joe Morgan’s face photoshopped on there or something. I’m lazy.

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Joe Morgan is one of the greatest minds of the human race: a half-assed liveblog

Apr 11

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Well Joe Morgan is pitching an absolute gem tonight. He opened with a staggering display of stubbornly willful ignorance by critiquing the Cardinal’s use of Ryan Ludwick in the two slot. To paraphrase, Professor Morgan said something incoherent about the two spot being reserved for guys that can bunt or hit and run, and not power hitters, cause that’s how it has always been and that’s how the game is supposed to be played. Yeah let’s sit around and second guess Tony LaRussa. That guy couldn’t win a baseball game to save his life. And that’s right…MLB managers should just ignore the decades of research that confirms that sacrifice bunting actually lowers the expected value you get from a baserunner. Christ Bill James figured this shit out in the early 1800′s or something. But that’s just a run-of-the-mill example of Morgan’s inexplicable vendetta against sabrmetrics and people that can count above ten.

Joe really turned in on in the mid innings with an absolutely incoherent hour of rambling about teams’ market size. From what I could tell, and that’s admittedly not much since my first language is English, Joe thinks that market size is something that teams can choose to invoke or withdraw according to how it helps them in the free agent market. Now I’m relatively ignorant on this subject myself, so correct me if I’m wrong, but market size should really be a pretty easy line to draw. And I’m pretty sure that Minnesota, barring some sort of natural disaster or terrorist attack that causes massive demographic changes, cannot choose to be a big market on Tuesday and a small market on Wednesday. It has a set population. And a relatively stable expected revenue. The big markets are NY, Chicago, LA, Philly, and Boston. It’s not rocket science. And thank god. If Joe Morgan ever had to muse on something really complicated, Orel Hersheiser would be picking brain matter out of his hair for weeks.

Benjamin Sisko facepalm

Hey Captain Sisko...if OPS is so important, then why isn't it on the scoreboard?

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Nerdy math guy predicts MLB season, Joe Morgan begs to differ

Mar 12

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Department of Mischief and Disinformation, MLB | No Comments

Bruce Bukiet, associate professor of mathematical sciences and associate dean of the College of Science and Liberal Arts at the New Jersey Institute of Technology has released the results of a mathematical model that predicts the results of the 2010 MLB season. Although his model has proven accurate six out of the last eight seasons, ESPN analyst and old school baseball guy Joe Morgan is dubious. When TYSOTB offered Morgan the opportunity to dispute Bukiet’s methodology, he jumped at the chance. Ironically enough, Morgan has contributed a “Fire Joe Morgan” style refutation of the New York Post’s report on Bukiet’s prediction.* The text is below.

Derek Jeter, Albert Pujols and baseball’s other greats have barely begun spring training, but a mathematician from New Jersey already knows what kind of season they’ll have, Fox News reported Wednesday.

MMM…Derek Jeter slurp slurp slurp. You can’t measure intangibles slurp slurp.

But the American League West is too close to call, with all four teams within five wins and the Texas Rangers, Oakland Athletics and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim expected to win 82, 81 and 80 games respectively.

I really don’t understand how you come up with those numbers. I mean there’s only 162 games in the season, and there’s four teams in the division so each team can’t win more than 80 games. And the A’s will lose every game because they don’t bunt or steal, so I predict they’ll finish at least 5 games below .500.

And if you’re a Mets fan, never mind what Yogi Berra said. It’s over and it ain’t even started yet.

The Mets are due for a great season. You know, that’s why we play the games, Steve. Steve?

according to Bruce Bukiet, an associate professor of mathematical sciences and associate dean of the College of Science and Liberal Arts at the New Jersey Institute of Technology.

See this is the problem you have with guys who haven’t played a day of baseball in their lives trying to make predictions like this. These ivy-league professor guys are guys who are just sitting around in their mother’s basement playing with calculators and their opinions are just as valued as guys who have been around the game for 50 years.

Bukiet bases his predictions on a mathematical model he developed in 2000, one that computes the probability of a team winning a game against another team with given hitters, bench, starting pitcher, relievers and home field advantage. For this season, Bukiet has refined his algorithm slightly, incorporating a more realistic runner advancement model. Whatever that is.

You’re always going to run in to trouble when you base results on models and not on reality. Besides, there’s three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. Since it’s possible to lie with statistics, it follows logically that everyone that uses statistics must be lying. He’s right about one thing, though. You have to advance the runners.

The professor claims to have beaten the odds in six of the eight years he’s been using the model.

There’s no reason to believe his success is attributable to anything but random chance. A sample size of eight seasons is really not large enough, statistically speaking, to generate reliable inferences. You see, according to the Central Limit Theorem, the efficiency and precision of an estimator increase asymptotically. The conventional wisdom is that a sample size of at least 30 is necessary to achieve a basic level of confidence in the estimated proportion.

The Pittsburgh Pirates will repeat as the worst National League team with 66 wins, and the Cleveland Indians will win 67 for the most futile effort in the American League.

I predict great seasons from these teams. They have great locker room guys and great chemistry. And you never know what’s going to happen in a locker room like the Yankees with all those egos. I mean if Derek Jeter wasn’t so classy and a consummate professional leader.

Closing remarks: We gotta play ‘em one day at a time. I’m just happy to be here…hope I can help the ball club. I just wanna give it my best shot, and the good Lord willing, things will work out.

*Joe Morgan did not actually write this column, obviously.

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What do you know about the Olympics? Well,I’ve seen it on television of course. Television? NBC. Their coverage is excellent. You’d be surprised at what you can pick up.

Feb 24

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Bad Decisions, Other Sports | 2 Comments

You know…I didn’t really notice it until Vato said something in passing about it a few days ago, but yeah, NBC should definitely consider including some Olympic coverage in its Olympic coverage the next time around. They will routinely get on air and run puff piece after puff piece for an hour or so until the event starts. And then Rick Reilly will say something incoherent. I know they’re trying to generate interest in casual fans, but I don’t think they realize that only people that already have an interest in the event are going to tune in anyway.

And Christ is it really necessary to include 20 hours of curling coverage per day on two or three channels, occasionally simultaneously? I think NBC took this kind of nerd-chic ironic interest in getting into curling as the sport actually having a huge following. I mean, it’s not like I’m really concerned with the Biathlon opportunity cost, but come on. Anyway, all of this is kind of nit picking because the Winter Olympics is really only relevant as an awesome hockey tournament, with a couple peripheral events like figure skating and maybe skiing and snowboarding.

And while I’m on the subject, the rest of the media/blogosphere is correct that the decision to show some of the big events on a delay was stupid. That is all.

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Tiger to speak; media to continue to be disingenuous, self-righteous

Feb 18

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Other Sports | 3 Comments

So, today we have news that Tiger Woods will break his silence by way of a press conference with one camera and six reporters on Friday at 11 am. The Media’s official response:

Tim Dahlberg: Last Known Photo

The media quickly recovered and immediately implemented its carefully crafted strategy of promoting themselves by trashing Tiger Woods on issue that is nobody’s business. Tim Dahlberg of the AP, for example, who is nothing if not industrious, took less than twelve hours to get out this load of crap, in which he admonishes Tiger for his refusal to answer questions on Friday. Tiger’s not in charge, Tim? Well allow me to retort.

So just who does Tiger Woods think he is anyway?

Tiger Woods?

You’re fucking right.

Woods still doesn’t get it. The game has changed.

He’s no longer in charge.

Who is in charge, Tim? You? Rick Reilly? The Public, whatever that means? Tiger is the most famous athlete in the world outside of a couple soccer players. Every time he sneezes it gives you a boner. What exactly are the set of conditions that will make people stop wanting to pay attention to him? Tiger could throw this press conference, allow only one telegraph machine, and prohibit all white people and you douchebags would still trip over each other trying to get an invite to this thing. Tiger whistles, and you have an editorial on the internet within hours. Like a dog.

And the nation surely will, because we’re fascinated with anything that has to do with the shockingly quick downfall of the man who, just a few months ago, was perhaps the most respected athlete in the world.

You just contradicted yourself. Come at me bro.

Don’t bring any questions, though. Because Woods isn’t answering.

Not about what really happened that night. Not about his marriage.

That’s because its none of your business. And it’s none of your business.

Not about why he would kick a sponsor who dropped him by staging his show right in the middle of the golf tournament it still sponsors.

Hehe. That’s awesome.

The public has been duped once. Folks aren’t keen to be duped again.

Duped? Speak for yourself, asshole. You seem to have a pretty low estimation of the “Folks” intelligence. Fidelity is a function of options, and if the guy working down at the garage has cheated, did you really think the most desirable man in the world was just going home to cuddle and watch The Notebook every night?

Woods lied to the media, lied to his fans and deceived people who spent millions buying the products he hawked with a phony image.

Haha I feel for you man. I drink Gatorade because it’s delicious and because 64 ounces of it will cure cancer and most hangovers. If I played golf I would have bought Nike golf clubs because someone good at golf played with them. If you were sitting around patronizing Accenture or whatever because Tiger Woods was a good family man, I don’t know what to do for you.

Giving the public some insight and information isn’t the intent.

The only thing that concerns the public is when he will be playing his next tournament so we know whether to buy tickets or not.

It’s been three months since that fateful November morning when his Escalade careened from fire hydrant to tree with wife Elin either in heated pursuit or heroic rescue, and this is the best they can do?

Probably not. Tiger can get Rachel on the phone to set up a party at Tao in Vegas. You can get together with Reilly and that other douche that was talking shit on Rome’s show, get on the internet, sign up for the guest list, wait in line for an hour, and pay a 30 dollar cover to stand in front of the red velvet rope that cordons off Tiger’s VIP suite. And you can try to pick up some of his attendant playmates. But you would never do such a thing, because you’re faithful to your wife or girlfriend. That’s why you’ll never sleep with a playmate. That would be my preference, but I think he’s doing you all a favor going this route.

then basically blamed the media for everything except his inability to win the Masters.

He should have. The fact that this is a story at all is your fault.

In a few short weeks the transformation from most respected athlete in the world to the punch line of every online and late night joke was complete.

I don’t know how he managed to go on. Maybe by filling up his solarium with thousand dollar bills and rolling around in it naked. That’s what I do.

But, if the reaction from a fellow golfer was any indication, he needs to readjust his attitude. Ernie Els was upset that Woods would take the attention away from the Match Play Championship, whose sponsor, Accenture, dumped him.

Ernie Who?

“It’s selfish,” Els told Golfweek magazine. “You can write that. I feel sorry for the sponsor. Mondays are a good day to make statements, not Friday. This takes a lot away from the golf tournament.”

Haha yeah pooor Accenture. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

What Woods still doesn’t seem to understand is that it won’t end things. Not only will the golf media not be nearly as subservient anymore, but the story has long since been hijacked by the tabloids and entertainment shows.

I’m not going to re-quote it here but you spent the two paragraphs before this statement taking about how all of the elite personalities in the media will still do whatever he wants in exchange for interviews. Where’s your degree from, Tim? The Eastern Northwestern South Central Danvers Polytechnic Community College of Journalism and Ridiculous News Opinion?

Stand up and answer the tough questions, no matter how painful it might be.

Bring something more to the party Friday than just than a good photo op.

Tiger, all you have to do is play golf and stay pretty. I’ve said it before and I’m not going to say it again, so pay attention. Tiger don’t owe you shit, and he don’t owe your kids shit. Grow up, and if you don’t want to cover Tiger Woods anymore, go work the over-45 women’s beer league softball beat. Do us a favor. Please.

Editors Note: I hope this is the last time I have to talk about this. Reacting to even a small percentage of the ridiculous shit on Tiger Woods that comes from the media could quickly become a full time job. But I reserve the right to come out of retirement, especially if my ancient nemesis Rick Reilly feels the need to weigh in on this in writing any time soon.

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The RHMWAFFIPW Award, Week of 02/14

Feb 12

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in NFL, The RHMWAFFIPW Award | No Comments

The Rodney Harrison Memorial Weekly Award For Feats in Pantwearing is awarded to that individual who in the prior week has acted most in accordance to the highest standards of not being Tom Brady. This can be described as excellence in badassery, not skirt wearing and by extension successful pants-wearingship. The winner will receive the prestigious Dockers Trophy. Find a list of previous winners here.

Sean Payton, clearly telestrated wearing pants, and a visor.

Well nobody in the whole world of sports has done anything more hard-ass than something you might see in an episode of Gilmore Girls. So for the week of 02/14, Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton wins the RHMWAFFIPW going away. First, Payton risked being dragged through a ringer by a completely irrationally risk averse football analyst community by going for it on a fourth and goal from the one. It didn’t pay off, and despite the fact that every informed statistical analysis unanimously concludes that that is the right move every time, that’s the kind of thing you lose jobs over. So props to Payton for sticking to his guns. And Simms, Bradshaw, Schlereth et. al. would still be having an aneurysm over that call had The Biggest Swinging Dick in the NFL’s next balls out call not worked out. Not to be deterred, Payton came out and started the second half with an onside kick that bounced off Hank Baskett’s facemask and was recovered by the Saints (ed. note: I, for one, was shocked that a longtime student of the elite Philadelphia Eagles School of Receiving wasn’t sure-handed enough to come up with that). The rest is history. So while there wasn’t a lot of competition this week, well played Sean Payton. Here are some dockers.

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4 Out of 5 Football Experts Agree: Goalposts, Field Dimensions are Superbowl “X-Factors”

Feb 4

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in NFL, Uncategorized | No Comments

(Associated Press) Results of a survey released today by the Sport and Leisure Research Group indicate that almost 80 percent of mainstream sports columnists and on air personalities identify either the goal posts or the field dimensions as a significant “X-factor” for Super Bowl XLIV on Sunday. LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke elaborates on this line of thinking:

“Everybody wants to look at this game and talk about Manning or Brees, but most people really overlook the role of the goalposts in this game. I mean, these are the things that the footballs have to travel through to score field goals or extra points, so look for the kickers to be aiming at these things. Hugely important, and yet, its surprising how they’re underestimated.”

Appearing on the Mike and Mike in the Morning show on ESPN Radio and ESPN 2, former Super Bowl champion and current analyst Mark Schlereth espoused a similar sentiment:

“You know, these NFL field dimensions, and by that I mean the sidelines, and the end zone area, has just been doing their jobs as well as anything for at least a decade now. I mean, you’re really not gonna find something or someone that keeps players in the field of play so well and so consistently, so look for those to have a huge impact on this game. So that’s my X-factor.”

According to the SLRG survey, and additional ten percent of experts identified official NFL rules as their “X-factor,” while only one percent identified Reggie Bush. ESPN analyst Merrill Hoge notes that Bush’s performance is far too unpredictable to be considered a reliable “X-factor.”

In a related story, surprising information from the survey indicates that an overwhelming majority of respondents inexplicably bought thousands of shares of Google stock as it was hitting its historical peak of $700 in October 2007.

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Steve Phillips: Worst Personnel Evaluator Ever?

Oct 23

Posted by Vato Loco in Bad Decisions | No Comments

A forbidden love

A forbidden love

For anyone that has been living under a rock for the last several days (Or like me, have been cliff diving in Malta with a group of 19 year old models), noted ESPN R-Tard Steve Phillips has landed himself in a dilly of a pickle.  His affair with 22 year old production assistant Brooke Hundley has become public knowledge, and he has been suspended by ESPN.  The powerball, of course, is that the mistress looks like Tom Sizemore’s son.  The official Vato Loco stance on the issue? AWESOME!!!!   <plays air guitar for 10 minutes>

Ahead of all of my other allegiances (Miami Dolphins, Florida Gators, Bohemian Club ), I am a die hard Atlanta Braves fan.  As such, I absolutely adore Steve Phillips for the work he did neutering the Mets in the early 2000’s.  No one has displayed a more consistent capacity to be terrible at their job then Steve Phillips.  But people keep giving him new jobs! This is why I love America, people.  For example, after my (most recent) SEC Probe one might assume I would never helm another publicly traded company.  And now look at me? I’m lighting my cigars with $1,000 dollar bills!

 

Pew - Pew - Pew!

Pew - Pew - Pew!

Ahem, I believe we were talking about Steve Phillips.  Allegations of infidelity are hardly new in Stevie Boy’s world.  Homeboy apparently has been following his shlong around like a divining rod for some time.  This particular conquest is the most impressive though.  Seriously, check out this FABULOUS gallery at the New York Post.  The Speakerboxx(x) said it best: “I regularly turn down chicks who look like this on the tail end of 20 RBV’s”.  

Just another bad scouting job from Steve Phillips

Just another bad scouting job from Steve Phillips

As if this story wasn’t face meltingly awesome enough, she decided to go all fatal attraction on him when he broke it off after the 3rd encounter (ED: WHOAAAAH slow this gravy train down.  Three encounters?  I am willing to accept a mea culpa on 1 drunken hogging expedition, nobodies perfect, but 3 times?).   

In the interest of fairness, as an outside observer I cannot accurately assign blame here.  She could be husky homewrecker, or Steve could have used and manipulated this young girl until she reached her breaking point.   That said, her behavior was impressively crazy even by the already generous “Chick –Crazy” standards.  A quick ad hoc power rankings of her crazy maneuvers:

3rd runner up: Frantically calling Steve’s wife to say that “They both can’t have him”

2nd runner up: Smashing into a stone column while speeding away from the Phillips home

1st runner up: Posing as a high school classmate of Steve Phillips son, then befriending him on Facebook.   Then proceeded to say that she had heard rumors that his dad was having an affair with someone at work and may be in love with her

WINNER: Hiring some random chick off of craigslist to call Steve’s wife with a prepared script outlining the infidelities!

God this story is just the best.  If it had a couple more explosions and maybe a really cute puppy it would be my favorite thing ever.   In closing, Brooke Hundley has contacted me and asks to send this special video out to her Stevie-Bear.  Ahhh, young love.

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