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MNF Drinking Game – Crazy QB Edition

Nov 23

Posted by Vato Loco in MNF Drinking Game | 3 Comments

I’ll tell you which group of people pisses me off the most.  Senate Investigatory Subcomittees.    The second most me-pissingoffest group is the tinfoil hat wearing faction of dumbasses who insist to me that Vince Young is the greatest college football player that ever lived.  I consulted the Elias Sports Bureau, which tracks the “Overall College Athlete Skill and Achievement” (O.C.A.S.A.)  stat, which is a totally objective and 100% accurate statistic.  It is the definititive metric of the merit of any football player.  Their results:

#1 Tim Tebow – O.C.A.S.A. of 4,404,293

#2 Danny Wuerfful – O.C.A.S.A. of 5,403

#3 Hershel Walker, Archie Griffin, Jim Thorpe tied with O.C.A.S.A. 4,320

#24 Vince Young – O.C.A.S.A. 738

The point is Vince Young is top 25 good, but not the best ever.   In fact after this year, the words best ever will be retired from our langauge, and just replaced with “Tebow”.  People will only debate about who is the “2nd most Tebow” and so on.

Anyways.  Sidetracked.  There are only a couple of things you need to know about Vince Young: 1) Homey is crazy 2) He is approximately as smart as a 9 week old puppy 3) Vince is not a good NFL Quarterback.  I’m taking the Texans big time.  And now for the rules.  Drink anytime:

  1. Speakerboxx(x) is being Speakerboxx(x)
  2. An announcer says something that could be construed as sexual innuendo if taken out of context (Mario Williams came HARD along the backside there)
  3. A player behaves in a pants-worthy fashion (definition here).
  4. Vince Young makes a bad decision
  5. Chris Johnson is very fast
  6. Andre Johnson gets a reception for more then 10 yards.  Drink extra, preferable champagne, if he scores a touchdown.  Stay out until 4 am pouring champagne on strippers if he scores more then the 26.5 pts I need to win my fantasy league game.
  7. An announcer is verbally fellating a player for a totally average, or worse, play.
  8. Anything to do with the 2006 NFL Draft is discussed
  9. An Offensive play of longer then 20 yards
  10. Terrible commercial of any kind

And the POWERBALL WORD of the week:Impact.  Drink anytime the word Impact  appears in any form.

Enjoy the matchup.  Put your positive chi towards Andre Johnson.

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MNF Drinking Game: Poor Scheduling Edition

Nov 16

Posted by Vato Loco in MNF Drinking Game | 7 Comments

GRRRRR… ARF ARF.  What a stinker!  I was just thinking that I wished that Brown’s team got more national coverage.  I never get a chance to see that electrifying 80 yard a game offense.  And it appears that Brady Quinn has one the… hehe … Quarterback “Battle” if you will (similar battle: Battlefield Earth v. Gigli for best picture).  That should really add some sparkle to this fabulous matchup.  To make matters worse,   my sources report that Brady Quinn was partying until the wee hours at the Manhole last night.   He may be a little flaccid come gametime.

Well you are probably just watching for the same can’t-look-away car crash reasons we are tonight.  That, and drinking while watching football beats the hell out of spending time with loved ones. Here are the rules:

  1. Anytime SpeakerBoxx(x) is being SpeakerBoxx(x).  This happens quite often, so drink extra now and then to be sure
  2. Anytime an announcer says something that can be construed as sexual innuendo (Brady Quinn sure hit that backside HARD)
  3. Anytime someone is wearing pants.  For a definition of Pants Wearingship, please consult the “About TYSOTB” section.
  4. Anytime someone from the U is involved in a play.  Drink double if you forget to toss up that U.
  5. Anytime Uncle Ray Ray get’s a tackle.  Or jumps on a pile after a play.  Same deal.
  6. Anytime the Brown’s go 3 and out, finish your drink (realizes he doesn’t need 700 wrongful death alcohol poisoning suits today) have a small, sensible sip of beer
  7. Any Brown’s turnover, drink
  8. Anytime the announcers start totally dissembling to find something interesting aside from this stinker of a game (EG start talking about last nights Colts-Pats, some bizarre Jaws or Gruden story, whatever)
  9. Anytime the camera is on Mangina.  Drink double if it is in reference to his job security
  10. Anytime the Browns complete a play of 15 yards or more on offense, do a full shot.

And tonight’s powerball word is… POWER.  Drink anytime an announcer says any conjugation of the word POWER.

Oh man that reminds me, remember when New England lost last night? Man that was awesome.

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It is time for the comeuppances – F U Patriots

Nov 16

Posted by Vato Loco in NFL | 8 Comments

Is it just me, or is the sun shining a little brighter today?  Hell, even the Dow is kicking ass in early trading.  I think America just has a little extra zip in their step after the epic Patriots meltdown last night.  I know I do. 

The NFL sure owed me a good damned night game after the most boring 7 hours of day games I have ever sat through.  Bucs vs. Dolphins was like watching two retards trying to hump a door knob, and it looked like the 2008 super bowl compared to that Packers vs. Cowboys farce.  Verily the football gods sensed my displeasure, and lo, they bestowed upon me the finest of gifts: Patriots Schadenfraude.

Right now I don’t have the exact statistics on how much fail occured for the Patriots last night, theres currently a building full of Cray supercomputers working on the calculation.  But I think it was most of it.  I really feel like this should be some kind of national holiday.  A couple of random thoughts:

  • I am actually not killing Belichick for the decision to go for it on 4th and 2.  His defense was gassed, and Peyton Manning was in full on Peyton Manning mode.  There was no way they were stopping him with 2 minutes and 2 timeouts.  Not even if he started on the one.  I think he made the right call, it just didn’t work out.  Oh, and Belichick is a pederast.
  • Reggie Wayne is my boy, and anyone who says different can just go move to France
  • I think the Peyton Manning G.O.A.T. conversation has to start soon.  Sorry Dan.
  • In case you forgot why it is American to hate the patriots (IE you are the guy from memento, since they remind us at least weekly), here are two tidbits that should get your Anti-New England blood up:
  1. The Patriots held a Veteran’s Day ceremony at Gilette Stadium last week, and then on cue proceeded to totally ignore the veteran’s.  Presumably they were too busy selling state secrets to the chinese and eating bald eagle.   Unfortunately for the Patriots anti-veteran plans, Pat White don’t play that shit.  He personally greeted and thanked each and every veteran the Patriots ignored. 
  2. Check out this delightful little video.  Last night I was wondering about that smart ass little wave Belichick gives when walking towards the tunnel.  I assumed it was some asshole gesture to a fan or opposing player.  Turns out it was somehow 300% more douchey:

    3. One of Belichicks goons takes out a cameraman, and that is what he finds so pleasing.

    Is there anyone more awful then Belichick in the world?  If he wasn’t pretty good at football coaching, he would almost guaranteed to be some kind of genocidal dictator right?

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Want to Hate Tom Brady Even More?

Nov 8

Posted by Vato Loco in NFL | No Comments

What an enormous foof monster.  To paraphrase the Speakerboxx(x), that was just about the most passive aggressive 6th grade girl move that I have ever seen a grown man execute.  I wish he had connected with that ball, and somehow had enough force to dislodge it.  Ronnie Brown would have hit Tom Brady so goddamned hard Giselle would wake up concussed.

Tom Brady, you are a pussy.  Furreal.

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Patrick Willis to star in the next Assassin’s Creed?

Nov 5

Posted by Deutschebag in NFL | 2 Comments

Before I go into this post, I would first like to apologize to all of my faithful readers for my absence. I was busy with an M&A over in Singapore and things got a bit hairy. Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll be welcome back in Asia anytime soon, leaving me with plenty of time to dedicate to TYSOTB.

Long have I argued that video games are not only beneficial to society, but the hand eye coordination required to play video games actually improves your reflexes and makes you a better athlete. Exhibit A in this argument is clearly Agent Zero himself, but one example an argument does not make. (And athletes being good at Madden doesn’t count, since that is the equivalent of nerds being good at calculus: it’s just what they do.)

Enter: Patrick Willis.

Two days ago on ESPN’s First Take (yeah I’m a couple days late, so sue me), Patrick Willis declared that he not only loves playing video games, but he is actually an intern at UbiSoft. Now I don’t know about you, but I typically just use interns to get me coffee and give me handjobs (I usually only hire former strippers as well). I don’t think I’d be comfortable asking for either from Patrick Willis, which leads me to believe that he was really hired as a corporate strategy to implement the infamous Office Linebacker. Imagine how the workplace efficiency must have increased at UbiSoft after Patrick’s hiring, with dozens of nerds suddenly being subjected to the wrath of a true alpha and not just another nerd they call their boss.

But I digress. All that I know is that not only is Patrick Willis one of the best defenders in the game, but he is single-handedly helping to make the world a better place through his charity work at UbiSoft. We live in blessed times indeed.

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Monday Night Football Drinking Game

Nov 2

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in MNF Drinking Game | No Comments

Goddamn I hate Jeremy Shockey. And I love nearly EVERYONE that comes out of the U. Assholes, criminals, all pros, whatever, I think they are great. But Shockey should be reduced down to his base elements for manufacturing purposes.

Well for the first time in weeks, Monday Night Football is featuring a game that could be potentially interesting even before you can get through 3/4 of a case of Dom Perignon. The upstart Atlanta Falcons are traveling to the Super Dome to take on a very exciting New Orleans Saints team in a game with serious division and playoff implications. But here at TYSOTB, we like to think that there is no human endeavor that can’t be improved with a little drinking game.

This one was kind of tricky. My favorite challenges involve overblown story lines and incompetent players. The media has already exhausted our national stockpile of “Favre’s”, and these are both pretty good teams.

But if you wanted to be sober you wouldn’t have picked up that 24 pack of Beast on your lunch break. Sitting around not drinking on monday nights is for the amish. Let’s rock.

1) Speakerboxx(x) is being Speakerboxx(x). I have a feeling he is going to extra Speakerboxx(x)ish tonight, so stay on your toes.

2) An announcer says something that could be construed as sexual innuendo (He took that to the hole HARD).

3) Any play that goes over 10 yards – 1/2 Beer

4) Any play that goes over 30 yards – Full Beer

5) Anytime the words “Katrina”, “Hope”, “Courage”, or “Manning” are spoken, or printed, in any context whatsover.

6) Anytime you wish a meteor would hit Jeremy Shockey, or you suspect Vato Loco is wishing a meteor would hit Jeremy Shockey

7) Anytime there is a commercial that in no way whatsoever motivates you to buy the product in question

8) Anytime Reggie Bush does something that does not fall in line with his “Most explosive prospect of the decade” rating coming into the draft

9) Anytime Drew Brees does something that makes the collective Dolphins fan base let out a deep sigh, sob for a little bit, and then pour a tall pitcher of whiskey. Basically anything pretty good. Damn you Culpepper!!

10) Anytime a saints fan looks intoxicated

And the powerball word of the week: MATCHUP. Drink whenever this word is mentioned, in any context.

Enjoy the game folks

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Ted Ginn: Not Good at Playing Football

Oct 27

Posted by Vato Loco in NFL | 4 Comments

I would like to take this opportunity to fully endorse the fellows over at www.tedginnsucks.com.  How I have managed to not buy that domain name over the last 3 years is inexplicable.  But suffice it to say, they are doing the Lord’s work over there.  Deutschebag doesn’t like when I hate on OSU alumni, but he is in Europe all week meeting with various central banking executives.   So its hatin’ time baby!

I don’t have the strength to do the full on diatribe that this 170 lb affront to football deserves.  But I will include a PARTIAL list of  things that I dislike about Ted Ginn:

  •  1a: He is terrible at his job, that being catching footballs thrown to him on a grassy playing surface.
  • This lovely quote from Sports Illustrated’s Andrew Lawrence:

“Teddy’s a weird dude. Two years ago, when I was trying to interview him for a first person piece for the magazine, ‘Where’s Teddy?’ was an oft-played parlor game of the Dolphins PR staff. Apparently it wasn’t uncommon for him to go missing for stretches at a time before someone would find him asleep in a pitch dark meeting room or something. And when he finally did turn up he wasn’t in much mood to talk.

  • The patented 3rd and x yards play where he runs out of bounds a yard before the marker in order to avoid getting hit by a 185 lb defensive back.  He is possibly the most un pants-wearingest player in the game today not named Thomas Brady.
  • That Ted Ginn is Ted Ginn, and not Patrick Willis.  If you are a dolphins fan, I recommend you don’t read the rest of the 1st round picks.  It is too early in the morning the appropriate time to curl up in your closet and drink whiskey.
  • Have you ever seen Ted Ginn try to block someone?  I think he tried once or twice and it was awesomly hilarious.  Have you ever seen (undrafted ) Davone Bess try to block someone? Yeah only on EVERY GODDAMN PLAY.  Davone Bess will just start randomly blocking people in the supermarket or at church.  Man that guy is a football player.  But I digress.
  • Great Quote from the Sports Guy’s twitter: “@sportsguy33 Ted Ginn Jr’s career gives us a chance to imagine what it would be like if someone tried to play wide receiver without arms.”
  • The Fact that the Ted Ginn Family has not played alot of ball for us.  I assumed that Cam meant he had a 330 lb aunt who could play nose tackle.   SCREW YOU CAM CAMERON.

    • That leads me to my theory:  Cam Cameron was a deep cover operative sent to infiltrate the Dolphins franchse by a shadowy cabal of AFC Owners.  I believe they were afraid that the Dolphins would become too powerful with the inhuman force that is Ronnie Brown.  Cameron’s mission: Destroy the dolphins from the inside, and then escape to the safety of the Raven’s.

     

     

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    Special Commentary: Dante Wesley is a douchebag

    Oct 21

    Posted by Deutschebag in NFL | No Comments

    It’s no secret that here at TYSOTB, we have a lot of hate. But we also have a lot of love. (They say that we only use 10% of our brains…but I say we only use 10% of our hearts. That line works on chicks too, I’ve tried it.) And here I stand, just one man, admitting my love for the high school team that calls itself the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Like many NFL fans, I have been a Buccs fan since they won a championship, and since then I’ve never looked back.

    Now in the history of the NFC South, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Carolina Panthers have been hated rivals since the very first snap. Mostly because the Panthers are a bunch of dirty cheating toolbags, as Cadillac Williams right knee can attest. This is a stark contrast to the first class citizenship of Tampa Bay players, as they are all fine upstanding gentlemen who carry themselves in the highest regard. Mostly it is just an accepted fact of life that the Panthers will be cheating assholes, the game is played, and life goes on.

    But Dante Wesley took it too far.

    Now in Tampa Bay, we don’t exactly have what you call “bright spots” on the team. We have Josh Johnson, who while being an entertaining QB, has a Madden rating of about 50. One of the few bright spots we have is Clifton Smith, the second man in Tampa Bay Buccaneers history to return a kickoff for a TD, who had just made his first Pro Bowl one year prior. Clifton Smith is a machine; all he does is work out, and return kicks.

    And it was on what everyone thought would be a normal kick return, perhaps even a fair catch by Clifton Smith, that Dante Wesley would earn himself the newfound title of World’s Most Douschiest Mang (Tom Brady is not considered in this conversation, since it is debatable whether or not he is actually a man).

    Now I understand that football is a hard game full of hard hits. I played football for many years, before becoming the industry tycoon that I am today. But launching yourself at a defenseless kick returner, aiming at his head and neck is not a football play…it is a pussy play, and it is the type of play that I wouldn’t even expect from a Panther. Fortunately for Clifton Smith, he walked off the field (with help), and only received a concussion…when it potentially could have been much worse. But all Dante Wesley got was a one game suspension. A fucking one game suspension.

    Now in situations like this, where a beloved player is taken out in a violent and unwarranted action, I often wonder…

    What would DMX do?

    Now, I have a couple of ideas of exactly what DMX would do. But my lawyers have advised me that I should end my post here, lest I be suspected of some kind of activity that would cause the value of my company’s stock to plummet.

    And for the record, if anyone asks where I was, I was in Alaska saving baby seals. Plausible deniability my friends…plausible deniability.

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    This just in: the Titans suck

    Oct 18

    Posted by Deutschebag in NFL | 1 Comment

    I would like to preface this post by saying that this blog will never in any way endorse anything that the Patriots do. This post is not meant to reflect anything positive onto the Patriots…it is meant to highlight the trainwreck that calls itself the Tennessee Titans.

    The Tennessee Titans are one season removed from having a league best 13-3 record, and my how far they have fallen. Going into today’s game against the Patriots, they were tied with the Rams, the Chiefs, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the worst record in the league at 0-5. Let me tell you, it takes a “special” group of athletes to be linked with the likes of those other three teams (read “special” very closely). And after today’s display, I’d argue that the Titans just pulled ahead of the Bucs in the #1 overall draft pick battle.

    Before I say anything further, take a close look at the box score of the game. Does anything jump out at you? No, I don’t mean the eleventy billion to zero score, that is too obvious. Take a close look in the passing category under the Titans QBs. No, that isn’t an error…the Titans had a combined total of -7 yards passing. -7 yards passing. To let this sink in even further, the Titans faced the same Patriots defense that let Kyle Orton throw for 330 yards merely a week ago. Yes, that is the same Kyle Orton that was traded to Denver for a 12-pack of Natty Light and a box of cereal.

    Celebrity guest writer and fellow Fortune 500 magnate Stylez G Lube commented “Technically, I had more passing yards than Kerry Collins.”

    Indeed you did my friend. Indeed you did.

    In other news, I’m pretty sure Mark Sanchez just threw another INT, and the game has been over for three hours.

    Kerry Collins has a history of sucking

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    Peter King finds new mancrush

    Oct 14

    Posted by Deutschebag in NFL | No Comments

    We’ve long since known about the love affair between Tom Brady and Peter King, and it’s hard to believe that Peter King would ever remove his lips from the dark side of Tom Brady’s ass. However, with the Bronco’s best start since John Elway turned water into wine, Peter King may have found a new man.

    According to Peter King’s regular Monday Morning QB column, the journalist (I use that term loosely) compares Bronco QB Kyle Orton to Tom Brady. The writers here at TYSOTB would prefer to read that he is comparing Tom Brady to Kyle Orton, and that anyone being compared to Kyle Orton’ is clearly being pwned (or served, if you prefer).

    How far will this new-found love affair go? Only time will tell. But if there’s one thing we know for sure, Peter King will continue to love men he can never possess.

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