Posts Tagged NBA

This week in the NBA: Nets stepping down to NCAA, Drama at All-Star Weekend

Does anyone really want this job?

Throughout the course of sports history we have been privy to not only some terrific achievements, but we have also been witness to some excruciatingly horrific displays of talent: the ’76 Buccaneers, the ’72 76ers, and the Mets pretty much every year.  Enter: the 2009-2010 New Jersey Nets.  At the time of this writing, the Nets are a dismal 4-48, and look to be on pace to post the worst record in NBA history.  And what is the best strategy to curb the downward spiral and expect future success?

To invest in failed strategies of course.

Over the past week not one, but two college coaches have been mentioned as being candidates for the Nets job next year.  Apparently the incredibly high amount of prestige and status that is associated with being the coach of the NJ Nets has intimidated the number of lesser qualified coaches like Avery Johnson, and has left a former NBA failure and a Pollock as the two best possible options.  Sure, Coach K may have won a gold medal with Team USA, but my 10 year old nephew could have coached that team to a gold medal.

If you need a brief history of college coaches and their success in the NBA, here it is: they suck.  In the past thirty years, three NCAA coaches have successfully made the jump: Greg Popovich, Chuck Daly, and Bill Fitch.  Some of the failures?  John Calipari, Rick Pitino, Jerry Tarkanian, and of course Roy Rubin – who was fired from the aforementioned worst NBA team ever after posting a 4-47 record.  All of these coaches were/are monsters in the college game but have failed to make the transition into the league, much the same way that NCAA football coaches fail in the NFL.

And to make matters more interesting?  The Nets have been sold to some random Russian billionaire.  Do they even have basketball in Russia?  I’m just assuming he Googled “American Basketball Coaches” and clicked on Coach Krzkeskwiskeiiay because he has the most foreign spelled name in history.  Or maybe Russians like Pollocks, there is no telling.

Good luck next year Nets.  I bet you’ll wish Jay-Z really was the owner.

Can you pick the one that doesn't belong? And no, I don't mean the white guy.

In case you forgot, or simply don’t pay attention to the NBA, this weekend not only starts the Winter Olympics (I just found that out myself) but it also begins NBA All Star weekend 2010.  The festivities start tonight with the celebrity game at 7pm, and end with the All Star game at 8pm on the 14th.  What better way to spend Valentine’s day than by watching grown ass men refuse to play defense against each other?

Anyways, here are some highlight about this weekend:

  • First and foremost, LeBron James being a bitch.  For the nth straight year, LeBron has refused to participate in the dunk contest.  Those of us who kept tabs during last year’s All Star weekend, LeBron James stated during the dunk contest that he would participate in the 2010 contest.  Oh wait, it’s 2010 this year.  Sure, he may be considered one of the best players ever, but all of the all time greats have won dunk contests: Kobe, Jordan, and Brent Berry.  But instead of participating in the contest, how does he make up for it?  By being a judge of course.  Because we all know that judging dunks takes a high degree of wiling out to study and prepare for.
  • The All Star Rosters.  Fortunately for “injuries,” this issue has already been remedied a little bit.  But the answer to the question in the picture above?  How the fuck does Allen Iverson get nominated as a STARTER in the All Star game?  This year, more than ever, proves that NBA fans are complete and utter idiots and should have no say whatsoever in who participates in the All Star game.  Sure, the weekend is for the fans, but I can give you a list of 10 other guards that should have been nominated in his place.  Don’t even get me started on the Boston forward bias, with someone like Josh Smith being left out.  Chauncey Billups as a forward in the West?  Do you people even know the positions on the court?  In short, this voting system needs to change.  Either that, or I next year I will invest millions of dollars into getting the players of the aNd 1 MiX TaPe TouR nominated to All Star teams through massive write in voting fraud.  Don’t tempt me

Despite the roster controversy, and the lack of dunk talent, enjoy the All Star Weekend.  Or join me in New Orleans to get hammered instead, whichever sounds more fun to you.

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The RHMWAFFIPW Award for 11/20 – aNd 1 MiX TaPe TouR style

Dwayne Wade above the rim

The RHMWAFFIPW is awarded to that individual who in the prior week has acted most in accordance to the highest standards of not being Tom Brady. This can be described as excellence in badassery, not skirt wearing and by extension successful pants-wearingship. The winner will receive the prestigious Dockers Trophy.  Find a list of previous winners here.

It’s no secret that here on TYSOTB we show a lot of love to football and haven’t necessarily delved into the NBA much yet.  However, with the lack of pantswearing in the NFL last week , this gives us ample opportunity to go posterize some bitches today.  Let’s get to it.

Second Runner Up: Ricky Williams

Now although I just mentioned a lack of pantswearing in the NFL last week, last night was one major exception.  With the decimating injury to Ronnie Brown on Sunday, many Dolphins fans thought all was lost in the world.  Enter: Ricky Williams.  Last night we saw the reemergence of the Yoga Master himself, as he ran for over 100 yards and totaled three touchdowns in the victory over the Carolina Panthers.  Now let’s just hope the national attention and popularity that he will certainly garner doesn’t turn him back into the pot-smoking hippy that he once was.  Although none of us can really blame him if he does, because that’s awesome.

First Runner Up: Brandon Jennings

Now many people may not know who exactly Brandon Jennings is, so here is a little history lesson on the kid:

Needless to say, this kid has been pwning people for quite a long time before entering the NBA.  Prior to this week, he hadn’t received much media attention because rather than opting to go to college and have nerds do his homework, he decided to go play over in Europe and bang supermodels while making millions of Euros (which is like eleventy billion American dollars).  Brandon Jennings could be on his way to Rookie of the Year honors, and his 55 point game was one of the most scored by a rookie in the history of the league.  This kid came in under the radar with a lot of haters clawing at his back, and thus far has been wearing pants like its his job.  If it weren’t for the fantastic dunk by our winner, Jennings likely would have received the nod.

Winner: Dwayne Wade

This dunk really needs no explanation, Anderson Varejo simply got pwned.  If this were the aNd 1 TouR, Varejo would have been sent home immediately and everyone in the stands would be wiling out.  While an amazing dunk, what really gives Dwayne Wade the nod in this act is because it is against a notable skirtwearing flopper.  Anderson Varejo has made millions of dollars by faking it worse than a white chick sleeping with an Asian guy, and clearly looked like he was trying to be a bitch after this dunk as well.  So Dwayne Wade, we salute you.

Pwn on my friend, pwn on.

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Practice?!? We talking about practice?!?

Actually AI, we are talking about your failing career.

In case you are living under a rock, or simply forgot that the NBA season had already started (happens to us all), you may not have heard that former league MVP Allen Iverson has taken “a leave of absence” from the Memphis Grizzlies.

First and foremost…the Memphis Grizzlies still have a basketball team?! I was shocked to hear this news. I didn’t know Memphis was relevant for anything outside of fixing SAT scores (I was subsequently shocked to find out Memphis is a credited educational institution. Don’t they know it’s in Tennessee?!?). Although I’d be surprised if the players knew there was a team still in town, considering their franchise record. An NBA team consisting of the maintenance men that I hired last week could win 20 games in the NBA too, and then be able to make the floor shine like a mirror.

Secondly, what was Allen Iverson thinking going there in the first place? I guess he thought he had to take his own initiative to put himself out to pasture. But instead of retiring with dignity, this new drama has put him in the same likeness of fellow streetballer Starbury. Maybe if we’re lucky, AI’s personal issues will involve setting up a webcam and eating Vaseline out of a jar.

But in all situations involving athletes with “street cred” I often wonder, what would DMX do?

Apparently in a situation like this, DMX would act like like a sound businessman. He would call his team of attorneys to review any potential loopholes in his contract, and then consult with an outside adviser about the effect leaving a team like Memphis would have on his image. Once he’s reviewed all of the facts, and carefully considered all of his priorities (such as being able to stay at home with his family) he would come to the only rational conclusion possible:

He would become an MMA fighter, and then immediately quit because he couldn’t rig the fight.

I believe I would do the exact same thing.

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