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Posts Tagged MNF

MNF Drinking Game: Hand of God edition

Dec 28

Posted by Vato Loco in MNF Drinking Game | 1 Comment

Pictured: Vato Loco with a tan

Pictured: Vato Loco with a tan

 Listen, I’m gonna level with you here.  I’m not here to f you around.  I’ve gotta shoot straight from the hip.  Put it all on the table.  Naw mean?  Whatever dog.

Anyways, I need a combined 46 fantasy points from Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin to beat David Rockefeller Jr. in the Bohemian Club Fantasy League Super Bowl.  First prize?  Two Swiss banks and the deed to an island that only rich people know about.   So when I tell you that I will be drinking heavily tonight, you will believe me.   Rulezz:

  1. Anytime someone wears pants.  See our glossary for the definition of pantswearing.
  2. Anytime the announcers say something, that out of context, could be taken as sexual innuendo (Boy, I’d love to have Brett Favre hit me with a couple of balls)
  3. Anytime Speakerboxx(x) is being Speakerboxx(x).  He is being extra Speakerboxx(x)y tonight, trust me.
  4. Anytime the camera shows a shot of Brett Favre with his helmet off
  5. Anytime the camera shows both Favre and Childress, drink double.  If they do a split screen that shows Favre on one side and Childress on the other, finish your drink.
  6. Drink 1/4 bottle of Champagne for each TD scored by AP or Percy Harvin.  Drink 8 bottles of champagne and pour an additional 14 bottles on strippers if they combine for over 46 fantasy points.
  7. Anytime Lovie Smith looks confused
  8. Anytime Jay Cutler throws an interception.  Actually, take a half drink everytime this happens… you don’t want to have alcohol poisoning by the second quarter
  9. Anytime a quarterback gets sacked.  Drink double and high five your buddy if it looks like that asshat Favre is in legitimate pain.
  10. Screw you Brett Favre (do whatever you want man)

And the powerball word of the week is… BENCH.  Drink anytime you hear the word BENCH.

Drink onward christian soldiers.

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Ron Jaworski: Your Kid is Fat

Dec 17

Posted by Vato Loco in NFL | No Comments

Over the past several decades, a terrible epidemic has been sweeping our nation.  No, not Sarbannes Oxley (you can audit deez nutz SEC), but Obesity.  And which righteous paragon of fitness shall stand against this tide?  Ron Jaworski.

Ron Jaworski presented what he termed a “startling” epidemic of childhood obesity to Congress on Wednesday.  Jaworski, former NFL QB and current Monday Night Football Analyst / Film Guru, outlined his plan to encourage children to have at least 60 minutes of exercise a day.  Testifying on behalf of both the hilariously named United Way Jaws Youth Fund of New Jersey and NFL Play 60, Jaws did the lords work in persuading law makers to legislate our kids till they are skinny.

I know what you are thinking: Who gives a shit about kids!  And you are right to think that.  But remember this dear friend: Fat chick kids grow up into fat chicks of the age of consent.  Without skinny chicks, who will serve us our chicken wings in skimpy outfits, and who will staff my leisure yacht the SS Spurrier?

Here at TYSOTB, I have long been the only supporter of Jaws as an analyst.   Screw those guys, I think Jaws is awesome.  All he does is spend 130 hours a week locked in a film room analyzing proprietary NFL Game footage.  I like to think he took this same approached to the childhood obesity epidemic.  I imagine him breaking down grainy gym class footage on a projector to try to gameplan against fat kids.

Another funny side note was that it is noted that Jaws “made his points in the same animated way he dissects a blitz on TV”.  I bet that was the awesomest congress session ever.  I hope he brought Gruden with him so they could go back and forth escalating in volume and intensity until Jaw’s forehead vein is throbbing and he is spitting all over congress freaking out about fat kids. 

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Monday Night Football Drinking Game: NFC West Edition

Dec 14

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in MNF Drinking Game | 3 Comments

Photobucket
Phoenicians 25:17- Better start drinkin’ early, son. (Image Credit: Freakingnews.com)

As is wont to happen when the TYSOTB editorial staff meets for our bi-annual corporate strategy meeting, I have had a hangover for two days. But as any serious doctor or scientist will tell you, the best cure for a hangover is more drinking. Lucky for me, the Arizona Cardinals are playing the San Francisco 49ers in a Monday Night Football game so sucky it could set the Pope on a two week Cancun bender. All knowledgeable football analysts know that the NFC West has been the worst division in football for at least the past century, and these two teams promise to live up to that distinguished history tonight. The defending NFC champion Arizona Cardinals (almost a year later and I still cant reconcile seeing that series of words together in that order) are still sort of marginally competent. And despite all attempts to sell me on the niners being a young and exciting team, they’ve still only managed to post a 5-7 record in a division that contains the Seahawks and the Rams (side note: the Rams are sitting at -215 net points on the year. ha ha). So this “contest” promises to bring all the edge-of-your-seat-heart-pumping-action as watching grass grow in the Mohave Desert. So here are some drinking rules. You’re welcome.

The rules this week are brought to you by…aw christ I can’t find it. To hell with it.

Drink:

1) anytime an announcer says something that can be construed as sexual innuendo (e.g. holy shit! warner just shoved Patrick Willis’s massive dick all the way down his throat!).

2) anytime Speakerboxx(x) is being Speakerboxx(x). Fuck you guys.

3) anytime someone wears pants. Go here for the generally accepted definition of Pants-wearing.

4) repeatedly large amounts of 180 proof grain anytime Brenda Warner is shown on screen. But I didn’t have to tell you that.

5) anytime Patrick Willis blows up some poor sucker that fucked up and put on a Cardinals jersey.

6) once for every reception by Larry Fitzgerald or Anquan Boldin.

7) once in appreciation for Matt Leinart doing a great job at having the best job in the world anytime he is shown on screen. Drink twice in contempt any time an announcer says something vaguely related to Leinart not living up to expectations.

8 ) once any time the 49ers quarterback (somebody get me a name on this please) successfully propels a football forward into the general vicinity of someone wearing a 49ers jersey without it being intercepted. To give you a chance to actually drink something, we’ll expand the target set to include players on the sideline, and 49ers fans.

9) once for every ten all purpose yards accumulated by Frank Gore.

Enjoy.

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Monday Night Football Drinking Game – Really Drunk QB edition!

Nov 9

Posted by Vato Loco in MNF Drinking Game | 2 Comments

http://i799.photobucket.com/albums/yy272/VatoLocoBlog/ortonandbigben.jpg
 

 

Wooo lordie we got a good one in store tonight folks!  A solid matchup between two AFC contenders, helmed by the two drunkest quarterbacks this side of Kerry Collins!  Between honoring these whiskey slingers, the imminent annihalation of our continent by Hurricane Ida, and remembering that Tom Brady still draws breath… the only plausible option is to drink our asses off tonight.  Bring me my bavarian barmaids, Vato has got his drinking shoes on.

Und now, der rules:

  1. Anytime Speakerboxx(x) is being Speakerboxx(x).  I know I say this every week, but he really is being EXTRA Speakerboxx(x)y today.  Trust me.
  2. Anytime an announcer says anything that could be taken out of context as sexual innuendo “And BOOM he really hit that backside hard!”
  3. Anytime there is a display of Pants Wearing.  For those of you who are new to the site, please see definition here.
  4. Anytime an announcer is verbally fellating Big Ben.  Drink double if the fellation is as a result of a totally average play.
  5. Anytime Mike Tomlin or Josh Mcdaniels are shown on camera.
  6. Anytime a coach that is not directly associated with the game (EG Bellichek, Cowher) is mentioned in any way.
  7. Drink for any 3 and out possession by either team.
  8. Any time Kyle Orton throws a pass that doesn’t look to have enough velocity to break a pane of glass.  Finish your drink if Orton completes a pass that went farther then 15 yards in the air.
  9. Anytime the QB is sacked
  10.  Anytime one of the past achievements (Super Bowl’s, historic players, etc) of either club is mentioned.

 And the powerball word of the week is…. YOUNG.   Anytime you hear the word YOUNG during the broadcst, drink. 

Also if Gruden starts talking about magical mouthpieces again, finish your drink, then go on a 9 day whiskey and ether bender.

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Was Jon Gruden Drunk in the MNF Booth?

Nov 3

Posted by Vato Loco in NFL | 5 Comments

Last night’s competitive game between two talented teams was certainly a nice change of pace for Monday Night Football.    For those of you playing along with us in the MNF drinking game, there was plenty of action.  And judging by the linear devolvement of Jon Gruden’s broadcasting last night, I’m guessing he might have been following along as well.  It seemed pretty apparent to the TYSOTB admins that Gruden was hammered last night, and we are experts on that particular subject.

Gruden was absolutely awesome last night.  It might have been some of the best announcing I have witnessed.  By the time the 4th quarter rolled around, the whole thing had become surreal.  Some highlights:

  • Over the top praise for anyone involved in the game.  The praise for the Saints GM Mickey Loomis, in particular.  If a Saints player could manage to not run into a wall and shit himself, Gruden praised him for finding that diamond in the rough and his unparalleled personell skills.  It was crazy, it was like he owed Loomis money.
  • Tirico mentions that “scores” of Saints fans met them at the airport after they returned from Miami last week.  Gruden was positively befuddled by this.  He, seemingly without any irony mind you, had absolutely no clue what a “Score” was.  He expressed his displeasure for some time. “What even is a score? Hundreds? Thousands???”.
  • One of the Saints DB’s, maybe Sharper, made an excellent play.  Gruden analyzes, “Wow, he is playing his best football.  It is like he is a rookie all over again”.  Whizzle wuzzah?

And then there was the absolute moneyball: The sermon on the powers of the Saints Mouthpieces.

Gruden went on for no less then 5 minutes about the unbelievable athletic abilities imparted on wearers of this new kind of mouthpiece.  He, and I shit you not, said that the New Orleans Saints were faster, more flexible, and stronger because of the benefits of this mouthpiece.  At one point one of the Saints WR’s made a good leaping grab, and Gruden straight up said that the mouth piece was to credit for the solid vertical the receiver displayed.  Presumably they have anti-gravity properties.

For a while we thought Gruden was screwing with us, but it became apparent he was not.  He truly believes that what piece of plastic is in your mouth can affect you most basic athletic skills in a material fashion.  This article explains a little about the mouthpiece in question.

There can be only one logical solution:  Sean Payton has unearthed the mythical One MouthPiece of Power.  He is using it’s otherworldly magiks to turn the Saint’s into a team of supernatural athletes.

Legend tells that many ages ago (about 8 years I guess), Bill Bellichek forged the One Mouthpiece in the fires of New England.  He used it’s evil power to turn a team led by a skirt wearing ninny into AFC Juggernauts.  But then in 2007, it was wrested from his grip by the New York Giants, and it was lost to history.

And now it has appeared in the unlikeliest of places.  Will the Saints use its awesome power for good?  Only time will tell.

http://i799.photobucket.com/albums/yy272/VatoLocoBlog/sauronwithonemouthguard.jpg

Mouthpiece image credit, and random information regarding the mouthpiece credited to @PRTeech: Article: http://www.poorrighteousteech.com/2009/11/sightings-new-orleans-saints-custom-mouthpieces-pure-power-mouthguards/

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Monday Night Football Drinking Game: The Dirty Sanchez Edition

Oct 13

Posted by Deutschebag in MNF Drinking Game | 1 Comment

Jabba the Ryan and Mark Sanchez

Image credit to Chris Kouffman

It’s that time of the week again.  For those of you just now recovering from your weekend hangovers, and for those of us still drunk from four straight days of getting hammered while watching a friend go through a ceremony that entitles 50% of his assets to a woman, the writers of this highly acclaimed blog have a new MNF drinking challenge that will ensure your Tuesday morning will be just as rough.

Tonight’s MNF game has the New York Jets visiting the Miami Dolphins down at Landshark Stadium.  I’m not sure exactly how much black tar heroine the NFL schedulers were on last year when they thought that this sounded like a good prime-time match-up, but I’m sure it was a lot.  Famed journalist and TYSOTB contributor Vato Laco is actually in attendance for this game and has side line passes (for disclosure purposes, he is a Dolphins fan), so if you see some random guy getting arrested after throwing up on Tony Sparano it would be safe to assume that it’s him.

Let’s get on to the rules…

Week 5: New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins

Drink anytime:

  1. Jaws hates on the wildcat offense.
  2. Ted Ginn is unable to make a completely average NFL type play.
  3. They mention any celebrity who is a part owner of the Dolphins, even though they only own like 1% and probably don’t even know who Chad Henne is.
  4. Any announcer verbally sucks Mark Sanchez off.
  5. Ronnie Brown pwns someone.
  6. Rex Ryan looks like he is about to eat one of his players.
  7. The Patriots are mentioned, even though they aren’t playing tonight.
  8. Chad Henne gets pwned.
  9. Jon Gruden looks constipated.
  10. Bboxxx is being Bboxxx (which he almost certainly is).

And there you go.  Keep a sharp eye out for the Dolphins fan that is getting physically escorted out of the stadium to see our hard hitting reporting team hard at work.

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