Posts Tagged Jason Heyward

The New New Testemant: Heyward 2:13-14

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, “Lo! Hearken unto thy deliverer, he who is named Heyward! “

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BREAKING NEWS SHOCKERS!!!: Cats’ breath still smells like cat food, Heyward to start for Braves

Jason Heyward

Today Bobby Cox officially named Jason Heyward, aka Cyberdyne Systems Model T-1024, as the starting right fielder for the Atlanta Braves. In response, NL East members the Florida Marlins and Washington Nationals have requested relegation to the Triple-A International League. Previous contenders to the NL East Pennant, the Philadelphia Phillies and New York Mets have tried to fast track the floating divisions concept so they can switch to the NL West. Roy Hallady has officially requested a trade back to the AL East, after preliminary projections showed that Heyward starting in the Braves lineup would drive his ERA well over 15.00. TYSOTB sources indicate that Johan Santana will retire to pursue a career in NASCAR, and that he sucks. More on this story as it develops.

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RHMWAFFIPW: GOD BLESS AMERICA

The Rodney Harrison Memorial Weekly Award For Feats in Pantwearing is awarded to that individual who in the prior week has acted most in accordance to the highest standards of not being Tom Brady. This can be described as excellence in badassery, not skirt wearing and by extension successful pants-wearingship. The winner will receive the prestigious Dockers Trophy. Find a list of previous winners here.

2nd Runner Up: Manu Ginobli

America is a melting pot, so I can without reservation honor Manu Ginobli for this fine example of pwnage.

Wow, this Kevin Durant guy must suck.

1st Runner Up: Jason Heyward

Homerism alert! This is what happens when I have to write the RHM.   Baseballs #1 prospect, and my #1 cause of non-Tebow related sportsgasms, Jason Heyward reported to Spring Training this week.   He promptly redefined what the Atlanta Braves thought human beings could do to a baseball.   Heyward blasted a ball so far past the outfield wall that it nailed the assistant GM’s car.  This led to the Braves having to go to the extraordinary measure of installing nets over the parking lot that was supposedly too far away for a human to hit a baseball too.   Note that the Braves have been practicing here for years, with power hitters like Chipper Jones, Andruw Jones and Brian Mccann not having similar problems.

Some quotes from Heyward’s batting practice:

“But this … this is something different. The 245-pound Heyward hits them with such ferocity that the ball not only makes a different sound coming off the bat – as Bobby Cox, Tim Hudson and others have noted – but it also whistles past with a different sound when you’re standing between the dugout and first-base line. Seriously, it does. I noticed that yesterday when I was standing over there with my back turned, talking to someone. — Dave O’ Brien, Atlanta Journal Constituion

“His line drive is like the old Hank Aaron sound” —Bobby Cox

OMG I need a cold shower.

RHMWAFFIPW WINNER:  Ryan Miller

This one was wasn’t even close.  Somebody would have had to dunk on a 13 foot rim over a roid raging hippo, and then punched Skip Bayless in the face on live TV to even enter the conversation.

Ryan Miller defended your freedom to the tune of 43 MF’ing saves to lead the US of A in a shocking 5-3 upset of the evil empire of Canada.  That is 43 Commie Bullets that Canada aimed directly at our non socialized medicine and right to bear arms.

For too long America’s Hat has been bullying our hockey players and hoarding all of the Moose(s?).   And let’s not forget the cultural horrors of Celine Dion and Molson Ice we have had inflicted upon us.   Ryan Miller stood tall against the soft spoken and disarmingly polite giant and exacted vengeance. 

God bless America, and God Bless you Ryan Miller.  Even the RHMWAFFIPW, sportings most prestigious award, is not enough for this valiant defense of our great nation.   I propose some sort of congressionally funded hot chick blow job system, where each state donates 200 or 300 hundred really hot girls to a national pool whose job is to blow Ryan Miller whenever he wants for the next 10 years.  Not that he will have any shortage of volunteers after this, anyways.

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