And FUCK a Sidney Crosbey.
Posts Tagged God bless America
Fuck a Canada
Mar 1
The Rodney Harrison Memorial Weekly Award For Feats in Pantwearing is awarded to that individual who in the prior week has acted most in accordance to the highest standards of not being Tom Brady. This can be described as excellence in badassery, not skirt wearing and by extension successful pants-wearingship. The winner will receive the prestigious Dockers Trophy. Find a list of previous winners here.
2nd Runner Up: Manu Ginobli
America is a melting pot, so I can without reservation honor Manu Ginobli for this fine example of pwnage.
Wow, this Kevin Durant guy must suck.
1st Runner Up: Jason Heyward
Homerism alert! This is what happens when I have to write the RHM. Baseballs #1 prospect, and my #1 cause of non-Tebow related sportsgasms, Jason Heyward reported to Spring Training this week. He promptly redefined what the Atlanta Braves thought human beings could do to a baseball. Heyward blasted a ball so far past the outfield wall that it nailed the assistant GM’s car. This led to the Braves having to go to the extraordinary measure of installing nets over the parking lot that was supposedly too far away for a human to hit a baseball too. Note that the Braves have been practicing here for years, with power hitters like Chipper Jones, Andruw Jones and Brian Mccann not having similar problems.
Some quotes from Heyward’s batting practice:
“But this … this is something different. The 245-pound Heyward hits them with such ferocity that the ball not only makes a different sound coming off the bat – as Bobby Cox, Tim Hudson and others have noted – but it also whistles past with a different sound when you’re standing between the dugout and first-base line. Seriously, it does. I noticed that yesterday when I was standing over there with my back turned, talking to someone. — Dave O’ Brien, Atlanta Journal Constituion
“His line drive is like the old Hank Aaron sound” —Bobby Cox
OMG I need a cold shower.
RHMWAFFIPW WINNER: Ryan Miller
This one was wasn’t even close. Somebody would have had to dunk on a 13 foot rim over a roid raging hippo, and then punched Skip Bayless in the face on live TV to even enter the conversation.
Ryan Miller defended your freedom to the tune of 43 MF’ing saves to lead the US of A in a shocking 5-3 upset of the evil empire of Canada. That is 43 Commie Bullets that Canada aimed directly at our non socialized medicine and right to bear arms.
For too long America’s Hat has been bullying our hockey players and hoarding all of the Moose(s?). And let’s not forget the cultural horrors of Celine Dion and Molson Ice we have had inflicted upon us. Ryan Miller stood tall against the soft spoken and disarmingly polite giant and exacted vengeance.
God bless America, and God Bless you Ryan Miller. Even the RHMWAFFIPW, sportings most prestigious award, is not enough for this valiant defense of our great nation. I propose some sort of congressionally funded hot chick blow job system, where each state donates 200 or 300 hundred really hot girls to a national pool whose job is to blow Ryan Miller whenever he wants for the next 10 years. Not that he will have any shortage of volunteers after this, anyways.
First I have to deal with my girlfriend being married to Pete Campbell and dating Vaughn, seen performing below. Now I hear it through the grapevine that my head mistress, gold medal winning gymnast Nastia Liukin is stepping out with the Marlboro Man himself, gold medal winning figure skater Evan Lycacek. At least you all are gonna pop out some gold medal winning-ass kids.
Left to right: Alison Brie (girlfriend), Nastia Liukin (mistress), Evan Lysacek (masculine icon)
Clearly I’ve relaxed my keeping my game tight quality control standards. Time for a remedial seminar.
NASCAR please stop
Feb 22
I don’t have a problem in principle with women competing with men, as long as they can actually compete. But NASCAR for the last month or so, and IndyCar before them, and the ESPN machine in general has been trying to sell me on Danica Patrick and its just not working. A couple of days ago my colleague and astute observer Deutschbag noted that Danica has been sucking in the NASCAR Nationwide series, and that it was proof that chicks can’t drive.
I was going to respond with something to the effect of, while yes there is a mountain of incontrovertible evidence that chicks can’t drive, I was willing to cut Danica a break because she hasn’t had time to get used to NASCAR. Then I realized that statement doesn’t make sense for fuck all. NASCAR has been peddling this Danica isn’t comfortable story for two weeks to explain her suckiness. But if you’re still feeling out the car and you’re not comfortable in it, maybe that should give you and NASCAR pause. i definitely don’t want to be driving around at 190 mph with anyone that doesn’t have a feel for her car. Wouldn’t you make sure you had a feel for your car before you entered a race?
Also, why would I ever consider sticking up for Danica Patrick in the first place? She’s mildly cute, like a 7 on the chicks you meet in real life scale, but 4ish on the celebrity scale. I think she’s won maybe one IndyCar race. It’s not like she just dominated IndyCar so much she had to go find something more challenging to do. She’s not even competing in NASCAR’s top division and we have to make up excuses for her sucking already. The only reason anyone knows her name is because she’s marginally more attractive than Tony Stewart. I was going to throw up some Danica pictures for Google bait, but I’m not a total sellout. Just 50%. Here are some pictures of Ice Dancer Tanith Belbin, who is both hot, and an athlete, either of which is more than you can say for Danica Patrick.
Via The Examiner comes this interesting little tidbit about a New Jersey high school girls basketball player that is lobbying the US Congress for federal head injury guidelines after suffering 11 concussions. TYSOTB was unable to locate video footage of any of the incidents, but it’s safe to say this is a fair approximation.
New Jersey Girl Suffers Concussion
We do, however, have a video transcript of the testimony, which really gets going around 1:35.
Inspirational. But this story suggests a few obvious questions.
1) What in the hell do you have to do to suffer 11 concussions in high school girls’ basketball by age 16? Does this chick just run around all Corky-ish, bouncing like a pinball off concrete walls? Or did she just Gus Frerotte herself by headbutting the wall every time she made a layup?
2) What precisely would you like the federal government to do about it? What guidelines do you want? Full blast helmets for the basketball teams?
3) While we’re at it, how exactly do you tell when a 16 year old girl has a concussion? Do they suddenly become good drivers and stop saying “like”every 3 words? Maybe they begin thinking rationally, and appreciating the consequences of their actions? I suspect a more accurate description of the diagnosis process is that there’s no fucking way to tell. This is the twitter account for 11-time concussee Niki Popyer. This is the twitter account for a randomly selected teenage girl from a search for “Justin Beiber” tweets. I defy you to examine these objectively and show me some evidence of diminished mental capacity in the multiple concussion victim.
4) This is more a thought than a question, but as VL rightly notes, the smart money is on this chick catching at least 8 of those concussions getting railed dog fashion in the back seat of some dude’s cutlass.
Breaking: The United States of America has drawn England, Algeria, and Slovenia in Group C for the World Cup 2010, a welcome respite after being assigned to the 2006 Group of Death with Ghana and Italy, who lied, cheated and dove their way through the group stage en route to the most illegitimate World Cup victory in history. But I’m not bitter.
Zinedine Zidane: American Hero (Image credit: allanpanisa via Freakingnews)
Anyway, all knowledgeable commentators are calling 2010 Group C the foofiest group that has ever been drawn in the history of the World Cup. England and the US are notorious underachievers, and Algeria and Slovenia are not even real countries. But despite their history of non-pantswearing in the WC (2006 excluded of course), their spirited performance in last summer’s Confederations Cup definitively show that the United States will win the 2010 World Cup. While analysis of elimination games awaits the results of group stages, early reports indicate that the US will destroy its group opponents and then bring them God and Democracy.
My prediction? PWN.
I'd love to spray some democracy all over thos...wait what was the question?
Update: US coach Bob Bradley can’t even keep a straight face talking about how Algeria and Slovenia are good teams and the US has to take them seriously. God Bless America.
Happy Veterans Day
Nov 11
Ted Williams was the second best baseball player ever, and a totally awesome fighter pilot. He missed 5 seasons of his prime baseball years due to military service in World War II and Korea. He was awarded a Purple Heart. And yet his sacrifice is just one prominent example of the many sacrifices made by US Service men and women before and since. Without those sacrifices, we realize we could not do what we’re doing. And not only in a “fighting for freedom” from our enemies sense, but also in the sense that a vibrant intelligentsia cannot exist without the protection and restraint of a professionalized military. There are plenty of countries in the world in which the military is perfectly willing to involve itself in politics and use its power and influence to stifle the expression of citizens. We appreciate that this is not the case here. So as members of the media, however loosely that term may apply to us, to the past and present members of the US Armed Forces, thank you for your professionalism, your service, and your sacrifices. Keep up the good work.
