Posts Tagged Fuck a Nick Saban

Attention NFL: Do Not Hire This Man

Chris Mortensen is reporting that the Dolphins have jumped headfirst into the breathless tizzy that is HarbaughStock 2010.  Owner Stephen Ross has flown out to the west coast to aggressively court Harbaugh, and is prepared to make him the HIGHEST PAID COACH IN THE NFL.  Did you see how I capitalized all those letters?  If you are new to the internet, that is a device for me to indicate my disbelief.

Ross is reportedly prepared to offer Harbaugh a salary in the $7M – $8M range.  As a man who paid $112M to have an artificial volcano added to my personal island, I understand you have to pay for quality.  But precisely what in the got-danged hell has Harbaugh done to deserve compensation on this scale? 

Harbaugh has been the head football coach at Stanford for the past 4 years.  Here is how they have fared under his steely gaze:

2007 4-8
2008 5-7
2009 8-5
2010 12-1

Woof.  First, let’s remember that he had the benefit of having Toby Gerhart, a man amongst boys in the lame ass PAC-10, from 2007-2009.  And it bears mentioning that Harbaugh did not recruit him, he was recruited by his predecessor.  The 2010 record is impressive, but it was also powered by Andrew Luck being at the height of his powers.  Luck is by general concensus the most talented pure passer in the college game in the last decade. 

As far as I can tell, the only real thing that Harbaugh achieved was convincing a high school valedictorian from Texas to come play football for an institution with superior academics.   Landing Luck was a coup, but given the circumstances not exactly John Henry vs. The Steam Engine on the accomplishment scale.

“But Vato,” I imagine you saying, “You are so impossibly handsome and right about things all the time.  I envy your muscular build and classically sculpted features.   But what about Harbaugh’s NFL pedigree?”

I’ve got a new drinking game for you.  Turn on Sirius NFL Radio, or any local sports radio that is covering the Harbaugh situation, and drink anytime you hear the word pedigree.  If you start now you will be banging a fat chick within 2 hours.  It’s that bad.

Good lord the “NFL Pedigree” line of reasoning is offensively stupid.  As the incomparable Speakerboxx put it, “90% of NFL behave like medieval aristocrats who believe that certain people are pre-ordained for success”.   I get it, he played in the NFL and his brother is the coach.  But let’s talk about his NFL Coaching Experience. 

2002 Offensive assistant coach – Oakland Raiders
2003 Quarterback coach – Oakland Raiders
2003-2010 ….

That’s it.  That’s all there is.  And everyone is absolutely falling all over themselves to back up trucks full of money for this guy to salvage their franchises.   And seriously, how well does college success even translate to NFL Success?  Does anyone remember the Nick Saban lesson?  After Pete Carroll and the Seahawks lose by 130 pts this weekend maybe people will be a little less bullish on this.

There are PLENTLY of threshold level NFL Coaches out there who have proven they can be competitive at this level.   And they won’t need $8M to take the job.   All I want my coach to do is hire some good coordinators, put a basic scheme I agree with in place, and not screw up his time outs.  That’s it.  I feel like I could hire some guy who is pretty good at Madden to do that for like 45K a year.

So just take a deep breath, NFL Executives.  I know how you love to get in an uproar over the bright, shiny new thing.   But this kind of impulsive, poorly thought out decision making is the reason people do things like hire Nick Saban to coach an NFL team or get a New Jersey shaped tattoo that reads “Snooki”

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Garbage time just got sexy

Yeah that is Nick Saban spanking a grown ass man on national television.  And woowee that wasn’t any pussyfoot PAC-10 hitting there.   Saban beat him like he was owed money.

Let this be a reminder, TYSOTB nation.  I may be too busy yachting across the globe, finding danger and romance at every port of call, to update with my previous frequency.  I may not get to post every piece of Nick Saban is evil incarnate piece that crosses my inbox.

But Nick Saban is still out there being a terrible human being, every day.  Never forget dear readers.  Never forget.

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Stay classy, Florida. And other stuff

That was a pretty nice front kick to quell the midget menace.  Of course, most Tennessee residents regularly beat children, so their aim is well calibrated for small targets.

I have a couple of other thoughts on this video, and weekend

  • I wonder where that midget buys his Tapout shirts.  Do they have childs sections for affliction clothing?
  • You know what, I bitch about Brett Favre as much as anyone, but I wouldn’t change a thing.   His redzone waterhead fuckaround Sunday was a thing of beauty.  For Dolphins fans.   The last time I saw Favre was week 17 Jets vs. Dolphins in 2008… and he did the exact same shit to give us the game.  He is just the best.
  • I want so many bad things for Joe Flacco.   A partial list of quarterbacks who have compiled more fantasy points that Flacco through 2 weeks: Bruce Gradkowski, Matt Moore, Kerry Collins, Seneca Wallace, Trent Edwards, Shaun Hill.
  • Nick Saban’s daughter naked?  Maybe, maybe not.  But HAHAHA your daughter might be a ho hahahaha.
  • Is the Vince Young experiment over yet? No?  It’s gotta be soon.

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College Football Roundup: Lacking basic motor skills edition

From what I hear you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat

Oh, Snap: (sighs)

(takes shot of heritage vodka, idly spins the chamber on revolver)

I don’t know if I am ready to discuss this yet

(takes another shot) lets come back to this

Mark Ingram Still being held out of practice:  Yeah, well I hope uhh he doesn’t feel better soon or something.  (sigh).  Man, I am so depressed about the Gators I can’t even hate Alabama properly.

If you don’t like us dancing, then keep us out the endzone: The Rock weighs in on the upcoming Ohio State – The U showdown.  Now I try to be supportive of OSU as a show of solidarity with Deutchebag.  But after watching “The U” documentary 67 times it is hard for me to root against my brothers to the south.  And one of my general rules of thumb is to agree with whatever position The Rock tells me to adopt.

OK Fine.

Worst. Twins. Ever. : Mike and Maurkice Pouncey are twins.  Maurkice is a first round draft pick who will likely start at center for the Steelers this year.  Mike is unable to accurately propel a football 2 yards backwards.

This is going to be a long, long season.

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Department of Mischief and Disinformation: SEC SEC SEC

urbanpimpin1

SEC 37, Texas 21: Texas tried to get a little frisky late in the game when Alabama was already focused on eatin’ some Bevo, but this was all SEC.  If it wasn’t for a couple inexplicable Alabama brain farts, Texas would have scored 7 tops. 

Nick Saban Getting Clocked by the Gatorade Cooler – God this made my whole night.  My favorite part is he walks around being pissy like someone just broke his barbie for a good ten minutes, while his team locks down the championship.  Only Osama Bin Saban.  The good news, Nickie?  Urban Meyer still did your wife.

SEC Takes home 4th Consecutive National Championship - Listen I’m no math scientist, but there are 120 teams in NCAA Div 1 FBS.  There are 12 teams in the SEC.  We have won the BCS title 4 years in a row.  I ain’t sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

Urban Meyer Still Actively Involved in Recruiting:  Oh, we know what Urban is recruiting.  Beeeeyitches.  Guarantee you he’s been blowing up Layla Kiffin’s cell phone every day.  “Yeah, it’s dat boy Urban.  What?  I’m a changed man, check out the Range man!  I got a whole new game plan”

TSYOTB: Fair and balanced. - From the incomporable LSUFreek, via the equally awesome hub of SEC centric ridiculosity everydayshouldbesaturday.com, are these masterpieces depicting Alabama’s storied coaching history.  My favorite:

The_Process Saban

If you don’t think that Saban wasn’t responsible for Urban Meyer’s failing health, you are straight tripping son.  I’m telling you right now: Meyer v. Saban is turning into this generation’s Shillinger v. Beecher.  They are both total sociopaths.  Urban-bot is better capable of pretending to be affected by these “Human Emotions” he hears tell of, but that’s it.

 First, Urban banged Saban’s wife and crushes the entire state of Alabama* in last year’s SEC Championship game bitching.  Saban, with intricate plans consisting of wheels within wheels, plots for the next year against Urban. All his plans coming to fruition with a thumping revenge in this years SEC Title game and the destruction of Urban’s health.  Next year?  Glad you asked.

My guess is Urban Meyer hires a gigolo, Gay Hank, to gradually seduce Nick Saban.  Over time, Saban’s reluctance fades, and he abandons his wife to live with his gay lover.  And then the day before the SEC Championship, the gigolo reveals he was a plant by Urban Meyer, and doesn’t actually love Saban.   Meanwhile, Urban has been having his plant grind a small amount of glass into a fine powder, and pour it into the baby blood that Saban drinks every night before bed (this is a fact**).  This slowly shreds Saban’s digestive tract over time.   When the stress of Gay Hank playing him and Bama losing to Florida in the SEC Title in the same day hit’s Saban, his failing system finally shuts down, sending him into a 2 month coma, at which point Urban steals all of Alabama’s commits.

*My favorite story: Mark Ingram Sr. was supposed to turn himself in on a money laundering bid, but went on the lamb to watch his son in the SEC Title game.  Alabama proceeds to get trounced by Florida, Ingram Sr. is re arrested and has substantial time added to his sentence.  Pwned.  Actually, this partially explains why Ingram went totally Beast Mode on us in the title game this year.  Revenge pwned. 

**Not a fact (but still likely)

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Texas…. facepalm

fail-owned-texas-fail

Via Deadspin, is this lovely little piece by something called a John Kelso, whom works for some Texas newspaper.  Mr. Kelso has clearly devoted his lifetime to studying Cicero, Aristotle and the other great masters of Rhetoric.  He artfully dismisses the chances of Alabama competing in tonights BCS Championship game… because people from Alabama are rednecks.  (opens mouth to speak… thinks for a second… shakes head).  Wow.

As you well know, fuck an Alabama.  I would walk 50 miles to Mississippi to buy gas rather then spend 1 penny in that state.  But this one night a year its ALL ABOUT THE SEC BABY.  So with all respect to the greatest blog ever, let’s break down this nut hugger’s treatise firejoemorgan style.

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As far as rednecks go… Alabama may have Texas beat

By John Kelso

Texas is playing the Crimson Tide in Pasadena this week for the national championship, and it’s going to be a real booger trying to beat these goobers.

(slow clap) It was at this point I knew that I was in for a treat.

OK, so Alabama, a formidable foe, comes with running back Mark Ingram, the Heisman Trophy winner who hails from Flint, Mich. I went through the Alabama roster checking players’ hometowns, and Ingram is only one of two players on the Alabama team from up north.

(adjusts monocle) Well sir, that clearly won’t do.  Why would this team from Alabama have lots of Alabama players on it?  Clearly the most efficient use of their recruiting talents would be to go way the F up to Michigan and compete with big ten recruiters.

Also, that is probably because leading scientists have proven that ALL GOOD ATHLETES ARE FROM THE SOUTHEAST REGION SEC SEC SEC SEC

(throws cold water on face) Ok I’ll try to restrain myself, but no promises.

What this means is that Ingram is one of only two guys on the Alabama team who doesn’t know how to dynamite fish.

Well that sucks for Mark Ingram.

Texas brings its steer mascot Bevo out to California for the game. This could be problematic because the Alabama fans might try to eat him in the parking lot.

Dude, you put a steer in front of me and I’ll eat that mofo too.  How is that possibly a knock on someone?  Would Alabama fan’s be more acceptable to the football world if they were ballwashing vegan hipsters?

The Alabama mascot is the Crimson Tide. The red tide. Interesting mascot.

In other words, the University of Alabama has a mascot named after a fish kill. So what do these Alabama folks bring to the games for a mascot? A bucket of dead carp?

Actually it is named after the menstrual cycle, but whatever I think my thesis is to defend Alabama here, or something.

Actually, Alabama also uses an elephant as a mascot. This is because an illustration of a bucket of dead fish doesn’t look good on a hat.

I can’t believe you didn’t just let that one die in the previous two terrible paragraphs man.  This dead fish thing is like one of those SNL skits that wasn’t funny at all, but the actors clearly thought it was, so they do it every week until you wish bubonic plague on everyone involved.

For this game, Texas may be seriously out-rednecked. In its national championship game on Jan. 4, 2006, that was not the case, because Texas whupped the University of Southern California.

Correction, Vince Young single handedly secured an extremely narrow victory against USC.  You make it sound like USC got owned Cincinatti style.

The only thing Alabama and Southern California have in common is that the Beverly Hillbillies ended up in Southern California. And if they weren’t from Alabama, they should have been.

Now we are getting into some of the BCS bowl system level of convoluted logic.   By the same logic, the only thing Texas has in common with Europe is Hitler.  And if Hitler wasn’t from Texas, he should have been, and I certainly won’t look that up as it might interfere with my profoundly dumb argument.

It’s traditional for the Alabama Million Dollar Band to march onto the field at the half and form a double-wide. The University of Alabama is in Tuscaloosa, which is the Indian word meaning tube top.

Skinny chicks look pretty sweet in tube tops.  By my count this is the third or fourth time you have inadvertently complimented Alabama in like 6 attempts.

If you’re fixing to start up a tent revival, Alabama would be as good as any place to do it.

A little Bama history: Back in 2003, Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore made national news when he refused to remove a 5,280-pound Ten Commandments monument from the lobby of the Alabama Supreme Court. I can’t think of anything done in Texas that could keep up with that in the Bubba department, except when Gov. Rick Perry hinted it might be time for Texas to secede from the Union.

HAHAHA DING DING DING we have a winner in the all time pot calling things black competition.  Dude from Texas implies that Alabama is crazy. 

The difference is in Alabama, most people think they’ve seceded already.

The Ten Commandments monument issue so inspired me that I wrote my own list of Alabama Commandments to put on Judge Moore’s big rock. My favorite one was “Thy shalt honor thy daddy and thy mama, as soon as you can figure out who they are.”

Wow, that took a really mean turn at the end.  It’s a sign of self loathing Kelso, but your still my brother.

So Roll Tide. Roll over and play dead.

(Buys a 60oz steak, names it Bevo, eats it).

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So I was just rooting for Alabama because of natural SEC superiority before, but now I have the added bonus of wishing personal distress on Kelso.  In fact, you done did it Kelso, WE TALKIN ABOUT THE 1990 COTTON BOWL.  In case you forgot, Texas tried to mess with that U and got their collective racist asses handed to them in the most epic single pwning that ever happened to anyone.

 

Words don’t do it justice.  Just skip to minute 5 and watch the rest in awe.  I have it on good authority that Ronaldo Mcclain has vowed to knock out Colt Mccoy in honor of old school pants wearer Robert Bailey.

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Bizarre Google Searches Week of 12/09

When you are a wildly successful and omnipresent blog monolith like TYSOTB, Google returns you for all kinds of different search terms.  Weekly we  take you behind the curtain and share our 5 favorite Google search terms that led readers to our site in the past 7 days.  All terms are sic, unless noted otherwise.

It should be further emphasized that these are ACTUAL search terms that led to our sports blog.  You can’t make this kind of shit up.

#5 “Was Woody Hayes an Asshole?”

This term was almost certainly submitted by the sophisticated gentleman pictured above.

As to the question, it certainly depends how you define asshole.  Was he a man of notorious temper, who routinely attacked television crews and destroyed down markers? Perhaps.  Did he punch a Clemson player in the throat?  Oh yeah.  But was he an asshole?  The TYSOTB stance is that those things mostly mostly just make  you totally awesome.  Woody Hayes was the kind of batshit crazy old coot that gave college football personality.  He ruled.

#4 “Handsome Vato”

Oh, why hello there.  I see my reputation proceeds me.  I am excited that the legend of my classicaly chiseled features is no longer limited to North America, but now a global phenomena.   It is only fair to the rest of the world.

  #3: “did sandra bullock wear breast enhancers”

Wow.  My guess is no, no she didn’t  However if she did, in whatever the hell endeavour you are talking about, they are THE WORST damned breast enhancers in the universe.    And what does that have to do with my gotdang sports blog? 

#2 “sweet backyard football routes”

This one absolutely kills me.  It brought some lucky visitor to this post, my piece on how awesome the Wikipedia entry on the Run & Shoot Offense is.

What makes this so gnarly is that the searcher was not interested in an “Effective backyard football route” or even a “Good Backyard Football Route”… but instead a “SWEET backyard football route”.   Hmmm… stoner cadence… football playing… that can only mean one man: former OSU Star QB and current EFF BEE EYE AGENT Johnny Utah!

#1 “Nick Saban that godless communist”

It took quite a bit of convincing to SB and DB that this wasn’t me searching for hits on this subject.  I do spend about 4 hours a day thinking something similar though.  I am endlessly thrilled though that TYSOTB is a suggested return for that.  My goal is to be the #1 destination on the internet for sittin around and hating Nick Saban.

And yes, amongst other things, Nick Saban absolutely is a godless communist.  Well played, random google searcher person.

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Urban Meyer Totally Did Nick Saban’s Wife

Urban Meyer and Nick Saban discuss the wife

Well I can’t confirm that part of the story (YET), but there is a funny anecdote out of Alabama this morning.  The excellent al.com reports that Terry Saban, wife of the Nicktator, asked Coach Saban to hire a young Urban Meyer in 1990. 

The official party line story is as follows.  When Nick Saban took the head coaching job at Toledo, Urban Meyer was a graduate assistant at Ohio State.   Urban called the Saban home directly to ask for an assistant job.  He got Terry, and charmed her immediately.  The smitten Mrs. Saban then implored Nick to add Urban to his staff (Ed Note: hehehe).  Nick did not end up hiring Urban, however.  Why not?  And now is where my rampant speculation ironclad deductive reasoning comes into play.

Urban Meyer is always 4 or 5 steps ahead of his competition.  Even as far back as 1990, Urban probably suspected he would clash with Saban on the battlefield.   So he set about the most reasonable course of action: railing Saban’s wife. 

I can imagine Mrs. Saban was quite lonely in 1990, with her workaholic husband putting in 18 hour days to establish his name in the coaching industry.  In swoops a dashing young Urban Meyer, buying her mojitos and whispering sweet nothings.   However their love was an ephemeral thing, and as quick as he had arrived Urban had moved on (probably to bang a teenage Layla Kiffin).  Mrs. Saban made a last ditch effort at keeping Urban Meyer in her life by begging her husband to hire him.  However that was never the plan for Urban.

And now, before the game SEC Championship game of the decade this saturday, Urban will put his trump card down on Saban moments before kick off.  Behind a tattered and emasculated Saban, the Alabama squad will implode, paving the way for yet another Gator’s national championship.  It’s just science.

Update: It is being reported that All-World Defensive End Carlos Dunlap was arrested after falling asleep at a traffic light and failing a sobriety test early this morning.  The Gator’s may be proper f’d without their best defensive player.

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Actual day in the life of an SEC Football Player

 

I like to keep tabs on my enemy, so I regularly check local news outlets from around the SEC. There is always a chance that I wake up one day and see a headline like “Nick Saban Killed in a Localized Meteor Shower”, or “Jonathon Crompton Benched for Amputee Quarterback”. I particularly enjoyed this little piece from the Birmingham News detailing a supposed day in the life of an Alabama football player. 

In most reincarnation oriented religious orders, it is common knowledge that the highest reward for living a life of virtue is to come back as an SEC Football player.  There just isn’t a sweeter existence on the planet.  However this article makes it seem about as exciting as watching a 48 hour Everybody Loves Raymond marathon (This week: Raymond does some shit and his wife yells at him!).  This is not at all an accurate representation of the lifestyle.

Clearly someone has got to break it down proper like what an actual day in the life of an SEC Football player looks like. 

8:45 am:-Wake up on your bed that is entirely constructed of 105 lb blonde girls with fake boobs.  Fornicate with 4 or 5 of them.  Tell them to leave.

9:00 am- Don’t go to class.  Get an “A” on exam.

10:00 am- Don’t go to class.  Get an “A” on exam.

11:00 am-  Attend one of your classes on a whim, “Advanced Coloring 410″.

11:07 am- Get bored.  Pantomime blow job motion to hottest female in the class.  Leave with her.

Noon- Check mailbox.  Receive care package containing $20K in cash from booster.  Eat lunch.

1:00 pm - Show up at practice facility.  If Alabama player, watch Nick Saban ritually sacrifice a newborn lamb.

2:00 pm- Football related stuff.

6:15 pm - Dinner. Typically steak, chicken and pasta (often lasagna) are served buffet style. (Ed Note: This was actually taken from the article.  Eating buffet style steak every day is awesome)

7:00 PM – Start drinking, play Madden with teammates despite having played 3 hours of real football earlier in the day.

10:00 PM – Attend fraternity party.  Immediately get into fight with fraternity.

11:00 PM – Enter most popular local bar/ meat market.   Do a walkthrough, periodically pointing to any sufficiently hot girl saying “You”, and indicate for them to wait for you outside.  After 30 or 40 are located, return with them to dorm.

Midnight – Sexy time. Sleep.  Repeat.

(TENNESSEE PLAYERS ONLY) 2:30AM – Rob convenience store while wearing team apparel.

Even if I had a Holodeck, the settings would pretty much reflect that same day.  Except there would probably be a part edited in where I shoot rocket launchers at Tom Brady.

So in closing, hot chick painted in Tim Tebow jersey.  The best of my two favorite things.  If you are this chick, and interested in consorting with a strikingly handsome billionaire please email us at contactus@takeyourskirtofftombrady.com.  You have to pay for your own travel costs though.

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Osama Bin Saban to make Big Screen Debut

For those of you fortunate enough to miss last night’s Raven’s – Brown’s… uhh.. ‘game’, you also were lucky enough to miss 5,732 commercials for the upcoming movie Blind Side.  Blind Side is the story of a courageous, pretty white woman played by Sandra Bullock, and the courage and bravery with which she faces her life of total privalege.   There’s also some stuff about Michael Oher in the book I think, but that isn’t included in the marketing so I am assuming they cut it from the movie.

One of the more interesting parts of the book involves the heavy recruitment of Oher by various SEC schools in 2004,  including Tennessee, Ole Miss, and LSU.   Nick Saban is featured prominently here.  And wouldn’t you know it, his ego demanded he was gracious enough to play himself in the movie adaptation.

The Birmingham News is reporting that the Alabama players watched a screening with their furhrer coach, and were not particularly impressed.  Noted terrible quarterback Greg McElroy was asked if Saban might have a shot at an oscar nod:

“Not by any means,” he said. “Maybe a Razzie.”

When Greg McElroy is talking shit on you, you are terrible. 

I actually was a huge fan of the book, as I am of pretty much everything Michael Lewis does. (In fact, the anecdote about Meriweather challenging his boss to a $10M Liar’s Poker bout was actually based on an incident I had at Drexel Burnham Lambert in 1984).  But what appears to be the total Bullockization of this movie really has turned me off.  And now that I know my least favorite Non-Billy Volek figure in sports is in it, no thanks.

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