In 1984, Donald Trump, owner of the New Jersey Generals of the upstart United States Football League, single handedly destroyed the only viable competitor to the NFL by convincing other league owners to move games to the fall to directly compete with the NFL. Having been -3 years old at the time former Miss California USA 2009 Carrie Prejean might be forgiven for not understanding that The Donald is Not To Be Fucked With. Alas, ignorance of the laws of nature is no excuse. On November 3, 2009, Trump wrapped up a thorough pwning of Ms. Prejean’s personal dignity by settling her frivolous lawsuit for religious discrimination for what was almost certainly pennies on the dollar. Donald Trump has lawyers that don’t lose.
For those of you that have been living under a rock, or for completely normal people that just don’t give a shit about politics, Carrie Prejean has been a walking caricature of Dumb-Ass Christianity for the better part of 2009. You can get the details of this hilarious saga here, but the short version is that during the 2009 Miss USA pageant (organized by one of Trump’s companies), celebrity gossip douche and pageant judge Perez Hilton asked Prejean whether every US state should legalize same sex marriage. She responded with this absolute gem of hilarious, rambling, pageant stupidity:
“Well I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and I believe that it should be between a man and a woman.”
Israeli commandos raided my yacht with helicopters and forced me at gunpoint to watch this fiasco live, and I swear to god during the course of those first three sentences she was just going to end up saying “yes.” It was like if someone rolled up and asked me if I would like my own personal Blow Job Team from the Ford Modeling Agency and I answered:
“Well, I really think its great that we can get blow jobs in America, and blow jobs are awesome, and its generally better when they come from nubile young women, so yeah go ahead and cut my dick off.”
But I digress. Long story short, Prejean lost, some nudie pictures came out, and she was terminated as Miss California USA 2009 for numerous breach of contract issues not related to the naked pictures. She then sued K2 Productions, owned by Trump, for libel and religious discrimination. Face Palm. It’s worth noting here that Trump supported her pageant answer publicly on a number of prior occasions, and allowed her to retain her title after the naked pictures came out. Donald Trump is a forgiving God.
Image credit: TMZ
But He is also a wrathful God. Following the filing of Prejean’s frivolous roll of toilet paper, K2 countersued for Prejean’s profits for a book written in violation of her contract, and for the payback of $5200 dollars that was loaned to her to purchase breast implants for the pageant (you read that right. $5200 for a guy whose net worth is in the billions, just so they could reveal they bought this chicks tits for her teeeehehehehehe. that’s me giggling with mirth). And just when you thought this couldn’t get any more awesome, we find out that Prejean made a bunch of videos of herself masturbating to send to her boyfriend, the revelation of which immediately preceded the settling of the lawsuits on November 3.
Image credit: abovethelaw.com
So, for those of you not keeping score, we have: One chick that willfully inspires lasciviousness and lust in 15 year old boys everywhere by allowing herself to be photographed naked; one chick that purposefully does violence to any reasonable concept of modesty by getting fake tits to win a glorified pony show; one chick that deliberately violates, by making videos of herself puffing her magic dragon, in no particular order, the heavenly christian virtues of chastity, temperance, and humility; and one chick that supports using the state’s monopoly on the legitimate use of force to compel other people to abide by her personal arbitrary code of morality. And you guessed it, they are all the same chick.
Image Credit: TMZ
Now, if there’s anything that will incur the wrath of the Gods of Pantswearing, its a good double standard. And so as the righteous agent of those that sip Gatorade and Myoplex on high, I turn the sharpened sword of Truth and Justice A Thousand-Fold to Ms. Prejeans public behavior in the wake of this cluster-fuck. Prejean’s public relations campaign has encompassed all of the great elements of classical comedy and tragedy. Not really, mostly I just mean it’s been REEEEEALLY funny, and a little sad.
Image credit: hollywoodbackwash.com
First up is a hard hitting, prying interview from the journalistic mavens over at Christianity Today. Somehow, in the cacophony of bullshit that quickly filled the echo chamber, interviewer Sarah Pulliam Bailey missed the opportunity to challenge or follow up on Ms. Prejean’s numerous statements of dubious factual and rational persuasion. Luckily, Planet Earth has TYSOTB to pick up the slack.
“…it just so happened that because of the liberally biased media and culture that we live in, everything was just twisted around. Because I said I was a Christian, all of a sudden people are just trying to undermine me and discredit me and make me look like a fool.”
Uh-huh. It’s about time a middle class Christian pretty blond girl caught a break in this country.
“Looking back now, I’ve become so much more educated. In fact, Perez Hilton wasn’t even correct when asking the question. He said, “Vermont recently legalized same-sex marriage. Do you think other states should follow suit? Why or why not?” Actually, the people in Vermont didn’t even vote. It was the legislature that voted.”
Like, for sure. Perez is obviously unaware that legislatures don’t have the authority to, like, make laws and stuff. I didn’t even bother to fact check this because that’s not the point. Does this chick really think that the thousands upon thousands (millions?) of federal, state, municipal codes are enacted by referendum? I really hope I somehow took this quote out of context because it displays a frightening ignorance of basic political processes in America. Carrie, next time, you might want to include a 6th grade civics class in your process of becoming “so much more educated.”
RE: opposition to gay marriage: “Yeah, it just happens that everyone else agrees with me.”
Oh boy. Despite the fact that this statement is obviously abhorrent to common sense, I’ll employ some hard data. Allow me to direct the attention of Ms. Prejean and the audience to this table, published in the peer-reviewed American Political Science Review, which clearly displays that opposition to gay marriage is concentrated in people over age 45, and is especially pronounced in people over age 65:
Congrats, Carrie. The “everyone else” that agrees with you are people that came of age when it was acceptable to send people of a different skin color to different schools, force them to drink from different water fountains, and to turn fire hoses and attack dogs on them when they dared to peacefully resist.
“If you read the Bible, it seems like everybody is trying to argue with the truth. It’s in the Bible, and if you believe in the Bible you believe it’s the truth. It starts with Adam and Eve and ends with a wedding.”
Huh? The Bible is true because you believe the Bible is true, and therefore the Bible is the truth? And then there’s a wedding? For the two or three reasonable Christians out there, you guys better dedicate the rest of your lives to keeping this chick away from reporters and microphones, for the good of your movement.
“‘I’ve never said that I hated gays. I have friends who are gay. I have hairdressers who are gay.”
I can get down with this one. I’m not a racist because I have 6 black friends, and I let Mexicans mow my lawn.
And finally, the now infamous coup de grace:
“No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants.”
Precisely the reason I have no moral qualms with internet porn, violence in movies, misogyny in rap music videos, and any number of other things that a primitive middle eastern tribal code could not possibly have accounted for. All sarcasm aside, I wonder if this poor girl actually realizes how profoundly stupid this sounds.
And finally, as if being a complete slut and then purporting to tell people how to live their lives didn’t make this chick abhorrent enough, she was good enough to give us a taste of exactly how intolerable of a person she is in real life. Here’s a clip of Prejean’s recent appearance on Larry King Live:
So this chick threatens to walk off Larry King after he asks the most reasonable question imaginable. Womack! Why am I not surprised, you piece of shit!?! Assuming for a second this wasn’t a planned publicity stunt from the get go designed to win her points with douches like Sean Hannity and Glen Beck, its difficult to fathom the complete narcissism of a dime-a-dozen blonde chick with fake tits lecturing one of the great interviewers and journalists of any generation as if he were a schoolboy. What did she think was going to happen at this interview? Did she expect it to be a short bible study followed by universal praise for her willingness to stand up to the godless communists in hollywood and the media? if she was offended by that, what did she plan to do when the callers rightfully called her out for being a completely hypocritical bigot? In any case, this gives us a pretty good idea of what the Miss California officials had to deal with in this piece of work. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If I had this kind of capacity for mindless self delusion, I would even more successful than I am now.
Teen Girl Squad
Indeed, I would just love to live in this chick’s world for one day. It seems a magical place, where thought is unencumbered by the oppressive chains of logic and reason, and behavior is unconstrained by silly school-marmish notions of consequence. And Carrie, if you read this one day, and I hope to your god that you do, if you still don’t get why you’re not allowed to “have your own opinion,” I’ll spell it out for you. It’s because you support using the LAW to FORCE people to abide by a moral code that YOU YOURSELF REFUSE TO ABIDE BY. And just to be clear, TYSOTB as a matter of editorial policy absolutely supports the rights of women to take naked pictures, to get breast implants, and to make sex videos. To our hardcore sports audience, I apologize for this unfortunate lengthy aside into politics and morality. However, pageants are technically a competition, and the Donald Trump USFL-Carrie Prejean segue was just too obvious to ignore. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
