Posts Tagged Dogs

Dog Shows Don’t Suck

Fine-ass Bitch

So I’m sitting around watching some AKC dog show because I absolutely cannot be bothered to watch any Olympics right now. And it turns out dog shows are awesome. I could sit around and listen to this guy say “quite a lovely bitch” or “magnificent bitch” and just giggle all day. There’s also no shortage of completely insane people anthropomorphizing their dogs. And finally, dog shows are just a celebration of eugenics. We should do this with people.

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The Rodney Harrison Memorial Weekly Award for Feats in Pants Wearingness – Week of 10/31

 

The RHMWAFFIPW is awarded to that individual who in the prior week has acted most in accordance to the highest standards of not being Tom Brady. This can be described as excellence in badassery, not skirt wearing and by extension successful pants-wearingship. The winner will receive the prestigious Dockers Trophy:

It was a crazy week in RHMWAFFIPW voting.  We have 3 nominees from the most unlikely of categories.  Let’s jump right into this weeks winners:

2nd Runner Up: Ted Ginn – 2 Kickoff Return TD

 

If you asked me last week I would have told you Joe Buck had a better chance at Dockers Trophy consideration than Ginn.  But this time, it appears the universe is conspiring against my dream of a Ted Ginn free life.  

Ginn had an absolutely monster game against the hated Jet’s this week, single handedly breaking their back with 100 yd and 101 yd kick off return touchdowns.  I will grudgingly admit that the runs were displays of unbelievable speed and athleticism.  In fact the second return involved some, dare I say, pants-esque moves in traffic. 

We recieved a call in our corporate headquarters last week from Ted Ginn’s agent.  Apparently Teddy G is an avid reader, and was hurt to the core by our scathing piece.  He acknowledged his deficiencies, and vowed on the honor of his ancestors to perform better.  The rest is history.  So is TYSOTB responsible for one of the most dramatic one week Skirt to Pants turnarounds in history?  Obviously, yes, yes we are.

1st Runner Up: Manu GinobliBat Murdering

Some whack ass MC  released a live bat in the Spurs – Kings game on halloween.  What they didn’t count on was Manu Ginobli-San karate’ing the shit out of it.  BOOM BITCHES! This was easily the most bad ass thing I have ever seen a foreign NBA player do.  I think second place was the one time someone walked within 2 feet of Vlade Divac and he didn’t flail to the ground sobbing.

But what really made this a true exercise in pant’s wearing was Ginobli’s post fight reaction.  After his duel with the bat was over, he calmly walked over, picked it up with his bare hands, walked it off the court and continued on with his business.  Can you imagine if that bat died near Tom Brady?  No way he goes near it without a Hazmat suit.   I heard that one time a butterfly landed a couple feet from Brady.  He hid under a table and called Matt Light and asked him to drive 40 miles to come save him from the icky scawwy thing.  True story.

WINNER: Dog bites shark right in it’s goddamn face

I am not worthy to describe this video with my dirty, uncleansed prose.  But I will humbly submit my opinion, and let you bask in the glory of this All-World Pants Wearer in your own way. 

This dog straight jumps into the water, and beats the shit out of a shark by biting it in the face.  After the shark tries to hide underwater like a bitch, he swims around on top of the shark until it comes back up, and then he resumes beating its ass.  And when he get’s bored whooping ass on a FUCKING SHARK in the GODDAMNED OCEAN, he drags it on to shore so that he can kick it’s ass some more.  OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GNARLIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED.

This dog is like King Leonidas, Captain’s Ahab & Quint, and Rocky rolled into one being.  Why did he decide to jump off the boat and wreck this shark’s shit?  Did the shark get a little to close to his master?  Was he just trying to prove a point to the whole ocean about respeck?   Either way I guarantee this dog got to sleep on the bed that night.  To all my brother’s robbin’ and stealin’ out there, I highly recommend you skip this dog’s house.

Both fishing and shark wrestling are honored sports here at TYSOTB, so this act falls under the auspices of RHMWAFFIPW.  This dog is an inspiration to us all, and I have him on my short list of first ballot RHMWAFFIPW Hall of Famer’s.  Good boy.

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