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Sorry I had to go off the grid for a week or so. I had a big meeting with the Treasury Secretary, and to be honest, my taxes aren’t exactly in order. But the sports world has been blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it lately, so I feel the need to briefly weigh in on some things. After all, when a man’s lights are going out, the fat lady can’t sing if it’s not over. Whoo.

Ben Judah adds another quarter inch to his resume: I’m willing to cede the point that its probably not the best idea in the world for extremely famous football players to run around pressing the flesh with common girls in college dive bars. I mean, Tiger had about the most elaborate chick screening process imaginable and that broke down. But I’m going to draw the line at people calling him out for being “classless.” You know, wine and cheese parties aren’t for everyone, and having attended a few, I’d argue they aren’t for anyone. And college bars are usually fun if nothing else, so get off your high horse. In the interest of full disclosure, I have a big soft spot for Ben because he has the Face Least Likely to be Attached to a World Class Athlete. I think it’s hilarious.

Also, props to Deadspin for pointing out that Peter King said that if Big Ben is guilty of sexual assault, he should “grow up.” Peter King is an idiot, exhibit 40345. And on Ben’s choice to hire the lawyer that got Uncle Ray Ray off, the only way he could get himself found not guiltier is if he resurrected Johnny Cochran and Robert Kardashian. On a side note, I’d love to see the look on Bob’s face if he came back to life and saw his family right now. I digress.

Allen Iverson’s “life-threatening” gambling and alcohol problems: With the disclaimer that this was reported by Stephen A. Smith, and is therefore likely to be as free from dramatic embellishment as an MTV reality show, I’ll defer to Vato’s take on this one. This story is unsurprising. It is pretty well known that MJ had the same career threatening gambling problems, and some people still argue that his “break” when he played baseball was a quiet year long suspension from David Stern. Iverson may be the next most pathologically competitive person since Jordan, that kind of personality failing probably goes hand in hand.

The NASCAR controversy: These two words don’t even go together. It’s like saying “black unity.” Something this irrelevant can’t be controversial. I think the gist of this is that NASCAR told its drivers to “have at it” in an effort to make the sport more exciting. So somebody named Edwards intentionally wrecked somebody name Keselowski and now there’s a huge backlash. Edwards got probation, which seems to be evidence NASCAR is cool with stuff like that. Dear NASCAR, that was a pretty spectacular wreck, and I still don’t care about your sport. Please don’t get anybody killed trying to get me to watch you. I was more shocked to hear Edwards referred to on ESPN as a “face of the sport.” Come again? Isn’t that Richard Petty or some sort of Allison or something?

UPDATE: A couple members of Big Ben’s entourage on the night he was accused were off-duty 5-0.. Since the po-lice never do anything wrong, I’m going to take this as incontrovertible evidence of Ben Judah’s innocence. Better luck next time, false rape accuser chick.

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