TYSOTB

It is looking like Tiger and the lovely Ms. Nordegren are splitsville.   That means we have a beautiful swedish bikini model complete with recent emotional trauma and tens of millions of disposable income entering the singles market.  She is instantly the most desirable woman in America.

It has also come to the attention of TYSOTB that Elin Nordegren is enrolled as a part time graduate student at Rollins College in Orlando Florida.   Could you imagine going to your Rollins buddies christmas party only to have Elin Woods Nordegren blow up the spot?  We can, and have.  At great length.

The Scenario: We assume you are not devestatingly handsome billionaires, and instead men of average attractiveness.  You are at the Christmas party, and Elin shows up with two of her friends.  How do you play this?

Vote for who you think has the best shot in the comments.  Or if you find us to be hopelessly inept (you fool), comment with the game plan you would go with.  LETS ROLL.

Vato Loco: Love springs eternal at the Waffle House

My theory is that Elin is too far above any normal target parameters to rely on standard strategy. The only feasible option is to get two standard deviations drunker then she could reasonably expect, and shoot from the hip.   The first step is deploying to the kitchen, and drinking all of the host’s finest whiskey.

When I am nice and sauced, I stumble over to the target and pour my glass of whiskey on her chest.

“Oh goodness, your boobs seem to have gotten in the way of my drink.  My apologies.   Hey, aren’t you the hosts mother?”

An embarrased, and notably flustered Elin responds that she is not. I feign minor sheepishness.

“A thousand pardons. I feel like King Gustav I at the battle of Brannkyrka!”

My quick iphone wiki search of Sweden has intrigued her, and I reluctantly admit that I am indeed descended from Swedish royalty. Meanwhile, my wingmen have engaged her two friends in a game of flip cup that had only two openings left. Elin and I continue to reminisce about her homeland, while I periodically nod and interject my disdain for peasants.

“I weary of this. Would you care to join me for some traditional American dining?” I inquire. We leave for a romantic dining experience at the nearest Waffle House. I impress her with my order of Texas Cheesesteak with Hashbrowns smothered, covered, diced and oh yes, topped with Bert’s Chili.   I order an extra side of bacon, and we finish the last slice together, Lady and the Tramp style.

Then we bang.

Speakerboxx(x): A Technician at work

I see Elin enter from my vantage point next to the liquor table, back to the wall, surrounded by mixed group of company. My left foot rests slightly ahead of the right, with tilted slightly outward. I put my thumbs in my belt loops, and set my chin at 3.5 degrees above level, and 16.76 degrees left of center. Mindful of the 3-second rule, I decide to approach, but don’t want to look eager, so I wait for the first available 3 seconds after my current conversation. Elin’s set approaches the table to get wine, which is obviously a proximity IOI. I walk toward the kitchen, intersecting the tangeant of the set at 53 degrees, and deliver over the shoulder my go-to “my friends ditched me” opener to the potential cock-block, a lowly HB7:

“Hey guys, you won’t believe this. All week, me and my friends have been planning on going out and having a good time, so we made plans to go out tonight. Well, one by one they call me up and say stuff like “I’m too tired.” Some friends huh? But maybe there’s more to this, because last week two of my friends had a fight over some girl they both like, so the situation is all weird. Do you guys have any friends who got split up by someone they both liked?”

Elin is staring at Deutschbag and Vato Loco (naturally), so I immediately shift to A2 and deliver a neg (“whats with your friend? is she always like this?”), followed by a level 2 DHV spike (“you know, at the university where i’m a professor, my gorgeous 18 year old students that i’ve dated always pay attention to me!”). Elin immediately grabs my penis, so I move quickly to A3, playfully push her away, and ask her if she can cook, but not what her favorite novel is, since I don’t want to overqualify. Having achieved a solid HP, i introduce kino, and walk Elin out to the balcony for “fresh air.” I kino escalate, i drop my story about my regret over a lack of emotional attachment to my grandmother. She’s a little tipsy, so i suggest we bounce to a local coffee house for a nightcap. I initiate C3 with a tried and true future projection NLP routine:

“You really have to go with me to my friend’s beach house in Mexico with me! It will be so much fun! Imagine you and me lying on the beach in the warm sun relaxing with a cold tall glass of pina colada listening to the waves of the ocean. Can you feel the warm sand between your toes? I notice you need more sun block on your shoulders and back so I help you put some on like this.”

I demonstrate a sun-block application motion, and kiss close. We cab it back to Vato’s place, but apparently I’ve triggered her ASD and she puts up some pretty serious LMR. I immediately initiate a freeze-out, and walk into the kitchen to make myself a can of hormel chili with beans. Within seconds, Elin follows me and I BJ close her and pass out. In the morning, since I’m pretty sure Vato passed out either on a A) toilet seat somewhere on Church Street, B) behind a dumpster on OBT, or least likely, C) on Deutschbag’s couch, I fuck close Elin on Vato’s bed. naturally, she’s enamored, and hints at wanting a LTR. I inform her that im only in the market for ONSs, with perhaps exceptions for occasional MLTRs (and MLTR^2s and MLTR^3s of course).

Just as Elin’s cab pulls out, Vato gets home, and relates a story of how he almost banged a FUG. He has really bad MPB.

Deutschebag: Treat them like mud…

Upon her and her friends entering the room, I make immediate eye contact.  I return to my conversation with the three drunk sorority girls surrounding me and simply bide my time. Thirty minutes go by, Elin is drinking a glass of wine and acting as if she is completely bored. Clearly she is playing the game of a chick who wants attention, so I ignore her for another thirty minutes. A few more RBV’s go down, and I decide to go in.

“Hey Elin” I say, “I see you have been working on your golf game lately. You are pretty good with that 9-iron. How’s your putting?”

She buys it. Why? Because every chick, even uber millionaires, like guys who are completely insensitive to their feelings and are willing to “keep it real.”

Plus she is Swedish, so there is no way she speaks good English or even understand the sarcasm in my voice as I deliver the line.

The conversation goes along for a while, mostly I inform her of my awesome gamerscore on Xbox Live and advise her that if she gave more blowjobs she might not have marital problems.  Most of my game revolves around belittling her in a humorous manner, and then I mention “you know it’s too bad you aren’t as hot as those Perkins waitresses” which then sets the tipping point.

By now her friends are completely drunk, and I’m getting sick of having to talk to this chick for over 10 minutes. I tell her that I will be right back, and I go over and start hitting on her drunk friends. I look back and notice that she is completely jealous and at a loss for words. I walk back over and say “listen, usually I don’t bang chicks like you, but tonight I will make an exception.” She then proceeds to drag me into the nearest bathroom.

Great success.