Have you heard about this?  Apparently theres some golfer named Tiger something, and I think he cheated on his wife. I don’t know, I think its a regional story.

Wait…  whats that I hear…

Dear god its the FAUX MORAL OUTRAGE ALARM!  Quick hide behind these anti-pretension blankets.  This should protect you from hypocritical white people playing up how offended they are about things for attention.

Phew, that was close.  Now that we are safe, let me give you the bullet points on the Offical TYSOTB Stance on the Tiger Woods scandal.

i. Tiger is a man. He wants, like any other man with the same evolutionary instincts, to fornicate with as many chicks as possible. Luckily, his position at the very top of the desirability ladder allows him to spread his seed with a great many. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

ii. A family life is probably a neccesity for Tiger. He is a fairly well adjusted dude, and probably wants someone to spend thanksgiving and christmas with, and to bear his children in a stable environment. And lets face it, he is a black man dominating an elitist white mans game. He needs to conform in as many ways as he can. One of those ways is having a beautiful wife with a couple of little rugrats around. He cannot get away with the Derek Jeter nailing every model very publicly thing.  It just wouldn’t work in Tiger’s position.

iii. Now is where his only, yet critical, error occurs. He selects his trophy wife as Elin Nordegren. The daughter of a successful journalist and politician, and by all acounts she is as well educated and well adjusted a person as there is. The well adjusted part is the problem. It appears that she entered into this marriage and relationship with the full expectation of fidelity from Tiger. 

iv. The most important aspect of the trophy wife is a willingness to understand that fidelity is not guaranteed. When you are at home, you are a family man. But what happens on the road stays on the road. Tiger isn’t going to rub your nose in it, and he won’t have some bastards pop up… just don’t ask questions. That is the athletes code.

v. This agreement was either not reached at the beginning as it should have been, or eventually it grew to be too much for Elin. She flips out, and the rest is history.  Let’s not forget that homegirl is a Viking, they ain’t to be messed with.

CONCLUSION: This is an unfortunate turn of events that played out in the age of the internet and the omnipresent public eye. I do not fault Tiger here, and if anything I think he is being victimized by our societies unquenchable thirst for scandal and drama. I have less sympathy for Elin, who was at BEST naive when entering the union, and more likely is being hypocritical now.  For god’s sake, she has a MARRIAGE CONTRACT. 

Post Script: I have a source that claims during Tiger’s days plowing through Stanford coeds he earned the nickname “Tripod”.  Man, typical black guy.  Always good at photography.

Editors note: The Speakerboxx(x) adds the below thoughts:

I want to add a short postscript here on the faux moral outrage subject. One thing that drives me fucking crazy are the legions of termites that crawl out of the woodwork after shit like this spouting the tired-ass role model sermon. Let’s get one thing straight. Tiger DON’T OWE YOU SHIT and he DON’T OWE YOUR KIDS SHIT. Anybody that says you are obligated to a higher moral standard because it is a privilege to be a professional athlete is, with no cute analogy or qualification, a fucking idiot. It’s impossible for most people to conceive of how hard this guy worked for how long to get where he is. And yes, I know that you all work hard, but I’m not talking about showing up at your office 10 hours a day, or throwing bricks on a scaffold on a Florida construction site in July, which is hard work indeed. I’m talking about busting your ass every second of every day to find almost non existent flaws in you skill set and then fix them. I’m talking about an unimaginable constant obsession with making yourself the best you can possibly be. It’s not his fault that his skill set happens to be highly valued in the market.

So let’s dispense with this ridiculous notion that being the richest athlete ever was some privilege honorably bestowed upon Tiger in exchange for his promise to abide by a stricter set of rules than the rest of us. Tiger has EARNED the RIGHT to do whatever the fuck he wants within the same rule of law that governs the behavior of the rest of us. Relatedly, he should retain the same rights as the rest of us, including that to privacy which has been detestably violated. This whole thing is a complete non-story, and like VL mentioned, is being driven by us, not by his behavior.

To conclude, if I may invoke the spirit of warrior-poet Chuck Barkley, Tiger’s job is to play golf, not to be a role model. If you don’t like his behavior, you better be there to tell your kids thats not how you want them to behave. The problem of course, is that probably 100% of the people most vociferously condemning Tiger have, or will engage in the exact same behavior they are criticizing.

Rachel Uchitel - Road Beef Zero

Rachel Uchitel - Road Beef Zero

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