I like to keep tabs on my enemy, so I regularly check local news outlets from around the SEC. There is always a chance that I wake up one day and see a headline like “Nick Saban Killed in a Localized Meteor Shower”, or “Jonathon Crompton Benched for Amputee Quarterback”. I particularly enjoyed this little piece from the Birmingham News detailing a supposed day in the life of an Alabama football player. 

In most reincarnation oriented religious orders, it is common knowledge that the highest reward for living a life of virtue is to come back as an SEC Football player.  There just isn’t a sweeter existence on the planet.  However this article makes it seem about as exciting as watching a 48 hour Everybody Loves Raymond marathon (This week: Raymond does some shit and his wife yells at him!).  This is not at all an accurate representation of the lifestyle.

Clearly someone has got to break it down proper like what an actual day in the life of an SEC Football player looks like. 

8:45 am:-Wake up on your bed that is entirely constructed of 105 lb blonde girls with fake boobs.  Fornicate with 4 or 5 of them.  Tell them to leave.

9:00 am- Don’t go to class.  Get an “A” on exam.

10:00 am- Don’t go to class.  Get an “A” on exam.

11:00 am-  Attend one of your classes on a whim, “Advanced Coloring 410″.

11:07 am- Get bored.  Pantomime blow job motion to hottest female in the class.  Leave with her.

Noon- Check mailbox.  Receive care package containing $20K in cash from booster.  Eat lunch.

1:00 pm - Show up at practice facility.  If Alabama player, watch Nick Saban ritually sacrifice a newborn lamb.

2:00 pm- Football related stuff.

6:15 pm - Dinner. Typically steak, chicken and pasta (often lasagna) are served buffet style. (Ed Note: This was actually taken from the article.  Eating buffet style steak every day is awesome)

7:00 PM – Start drinking, play Madden with teammates despite having played 3 hours of real football earlier in the day.

10:00 PM – Attend fraternity party.  Immediately get into fight with fraternity.

11:00 PM – Enter most popular local bar/ meat market.   Do a walkthrough, periodically pointing to any sufficiently hot girl saying “You”, and indicate for them to wait for you outside.  After 30 or 40 are located, return with them to dorm.

Midnight – Sexy time. Sleep.  Repeat.

(TENNESSEE PLAYERS ONLY) 2:30AM – Rob convenience store while wearing team apparel.

Even if I had a Holodeck, the settings would pretty much reflect that same day.  Except there would probably be a part edited in where I shoot rocket launchers at Tom Brady.

So in closing, hot chick painted in Tim Tebow jersey.  The best of my two favorite things.  If you are this chick, and interested in consorting with a strikingly handsome billionaire please email us at contactus@takeyourskirtofftombrady.com.  You have to pay for your own travel costs though.

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