Image by Morgan Holohan, via the inestimable CK

I love gambling on sports (Ed note: I would if it was legal, of course).  I just love it.  Just watching an NFL game from the owners box with a small army of strippers is not enough.  I need to have something riding on it.  I have shied away from the cliche NFL Picks column for a couple of weeks, because it is so ubiquitous on sports blogs.  And in reality the somewhat arbitrary lines of reasoning most of use to try to get an ‘edge’ on Vegas are totally bogus.  Vegas is smarter then us, has more information, and all of that information is already built into the lines.  Unless you were up to 6 am in the morning doing lines with Peyton Manning before game day, there is almost zero percent chance you know something Vegas doesn’t.

That said, time to engage some arbitrary lines of reasoning to out think Vegas!  Home teams are in caps, unless noted otherwise all bets are $500,000 US Dollars.

Chiefs +7 over JAGUARS- Ugh.   I may not even play this game, because then I might have to subject myself to actually watching some of this turd.  The Jaguars should not, however, be giving 7 points to anyone.  I like to think this LJ fiasco has got the Chiefs feeling a little chippy lately, I’m guessing they keep it close.

Baltimore Ravens  -3 over BENGALS – This line opened up Bengals -1.   How crazy is that?  So I am disturbed by the amount of public support for the ravens that the 4 pt swing indicates.  But I still think the Ravens are one of the 3 best teams in football, and I take them whenever the spread isn’t prohibitive.

COLTS -8.5 over Texans – I can’t figure this Texan’s team out.  Are they terrible or awesome? I have no idea.  I do know Reggie Wayne is gonna be reppin’ that U today and dropping about 6 touchdowns for my fantasy team.  By that logic, the Colts should win by at least 40.

FALCONS -10 over Redskins – They can’t make lines against the redskins high enough for me.  -20? -50? Fuck it, I’m picking against them!  I am also hugely enjoying the Dan Snyder era.  How long until that stadium just riots and 100,000 fans storm the owners box and tear him to shreds? Good times!

BUCCANEERS +10.5 over Packers – This one makes me a little queasy.   This is mostly a nod to my mang DB .  The problem is I suspect Aaron Rodgers is totally awesome, and might drop like 45 pts today.  But the Bucs are going ORANGE UNIS today, so that might give them just enough friskiness to cover.

Cardinals +3 over BEARS – Which Jay Cutler shows up today? League Replacement level Jay Cutler, or unbelievable robotic interception throwing machine Cutler?  Boy, I can’t wait to not watch this game!

Dolphins +11 over PATRIOTS – I felt alot better about covering before Joey Porter pretty much bitched the whole state of new england earlier this week.  Now the Pats are probably going to be in dickhead run up the score mode.   But the Patriot’s don’t have enough pants between them to counter the pants wearing juggernaut that is Ronnie Brown.    If the rookie corners can slow the Pats passing attack enough to keep this close, I like the Phin’s chances.

SAINTS -13 over Panthers – Drew Brees is totally awesome at football. Let’s move on.

Lions +11 over SEAHAWKS – Meow this is another stinker.  I am just going to pretend these teams aren’t in the NFL anymore.

FORTY NINERS -5 over Titans – I am pretty sure Vince Young is starting for the Titans.  This game is in San Francisco.  You know what that means.  My sources tell me Young was out frollicking at Loose Ricky’s Bar & Grille to the wee hours of the morning.  Take the niners.

Chargers +5.5 over GIANTS – Theres a chance this Giants team is significantly worse then everyone gives them credit for.  And I still have a bit of a chubby for the Chargers.

EAGLES -3 over Cowboys – Who the fuck knows.  This entirely depends on which of the two schizophrenic QB’s for these teams show up.  My suspicion is that Tony Romo has pretty much checked out of this football playing non sense.  And this Miles Austin crap can’t continue forever, right?  Right???

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL Steelers -3 @ Broncos  — You will have to tune in to tomorrow’s MNF Drinking Post to get my John Anthony Special lock of the week for this game!  By the way I totally just tried to link to that post from this one, and then I realized that we hadn’t written that post yet.  So I had tried to LINK TO THE FUTURE.  That was like 10 minutes ago.  I have just been sitting around saying “Whoah” since then