TYSOTB

Today Bobby Cox officially named Jason Heyward, aka Cyberdyne Systems Model T-1024, as the starting right fielder for the Atlanta Braves. In response, NL East members the Florida Marlins and Washington Nationals have requested relegation to the Triple-A International League. Previous contenders to the NL East Pennant, the Philadelphia Phillies and New York Mets have tried to fast track the floating divisions concept so they can switch to the NL West. Roy Hallady has officially requested a trade back to the AL East, after preliminary projections showed that Heyward starting in the Braves lineup would drive his ERA well over 15.00. TYSOTB sources indicate that Johan Santana will retire to pursue a career in NASCAR, and that he sucks. More on this story as it develops.