TYSOTB

Tim Tebow at his Moment of Creation

(Disclaimer: The over the top appropriate amount of man love for Tim Tebow in this post is the opinion of Vato Loco, and not of all TYSOTB writers. They are, however, wrong for not agreeing with VL.  )

Over the last few years people have begun refusing to discuss college football with me.  I am wildly charismatic, and a master conversationalist, so that isn’t the problem.  It is because I am incapable of not steering discussion of literally any aspect of college football to my favorite topic: Tim Tebow is the greatest college football player, and athlete, of all time. 

Lingirie model: “The punter from Wisconsin blah blah blah”

Vato Loco: “That reminds me of how Tim Tebow is the greatest collegiate athlete of all time.  Also this whiskey isn’t going to refill itself, sweetheart”

My total and absolute obsession knows no bounds.  I put eye black on before most gator games, and I always look up the bible verse that Timmy is rocking.  I own this T-shirt, and (this is true) wear it about twice a week.   If Tim Tebow asked me to renounce my possessions and spread his gospel of touchdown throwing and defender stiffarming across the world I wouldn’t think twice.

Pictured: Tebow, Me, Four of our genetically spliced children carried by surrogate mother Venus Williams

 

What makes Tebow #1 in the AP poll of my heart is his rugged, manly build genuine personality.   Most athletes and celebrities are so artificial and contrived that we are conditioned to just assume whatever comes out of their mouth is BS.  But not Timmy.   Having watched him for the last four years, I really believe that he just sits around and loves him some God and Gators football.    This is why his teammates would walk through hell in gasoline suits if Tim asked them too, and it is also what makes him the best.

Gators: 76, Team of 11 T-Rex's: 3

So I will cut the hyperbole and get down to the facts: Tim Tebow was sent from heaven to throw touchdowns for our redemption.  After his future Hall of Fame career with the Jaguars as Quarterback and Middle Linebacker, he will retire at the age of 40 and immediately be elected Governor of Florida.  When the aliens make contact in 2037 (I got in on this for +1,540 on Bodog!), we will send Tim Tebow as our ambassador for the Human Race.  If they decide to be dicks, he will stiff arm them back across the galaxy.   Afterwards, I propose we elevate him to Supreme Overlord of Solar System.  If that works out well, we can put him up for Galactic Overlord in 2044.

Uhhh what was I saying again?