Making it Rain
After weeks of anticipation, sports fans around the world are struggling to digest exactly what happened at the biggest sporting event of the year. Flashes of brilliance from young National Puppy League stars were not enough to offset a Puppy Bowl Weekend that was tarnished by off-the-field antics, poor management, and inexplicable officiating. Leading NPL analysts and TYSOTB columnists Vato Loco and Speakerboxx(x) offer their thoughts on a game that will be discussed in the weeks and months to come:
1) VL: Without a doubt the first thing that requires discussion is the terrible officiating. Sure some of the dogs were getting a bit chippy, but you have to just let them frolick. He was pulling the trigger on unnecessary ruff ruff ruffness way too quickly.
SB: Agreed. The referee may have determined the outcome of that game in the first half. You have this great matchup with Yums and Toby just at each others’ throats, and Toby gets the toss for multiple ruffing penalties. I think the NPL decided pretty early on they were going to showcase the skill players and not let this game be decided in the trenches.
2) VL: Now let’s talk about some of the talent. One puppy I am really excited about is Bandit. He wasn’t quite the impact player Tonka was, but he showed his potential. Bandit is coming off a storied shelter career, and posted monster numbers at the Puppy combine 2 weeks ago. His intangibles are outstanding, and he scored off the charts on the Wonderlicking test.
SB: I don’t know…The kid has all the talent in the world but he has a lot of growing up to do. Unfortunately this coming out performance is going to be overshadowed by these reports of an altercation at a strip club the night before. But that’s the problem with these one and done kids that just spend a couple weeks in the shelter and declare for the League. He’s going to have to decide if he wants to be a professional or live out the rest of his shelter weeks.
VL: The reports coming out of the Frisky Bitches strip club incident are a bit disturbing. This is a puppy who was up in the club making it rain bones on strippers less then 24 hours from the biggest game of the year. Bandit’s image is still tarnished from earlier reports of a Veterenarian prescribing him performance enhancing vaccines under shady circumstances, so this is really the last thing he needs.
3) VL: I’ll tell you another thing that has me heated up. This Jake for MVP thing is garbage. He was decent at best. Sure he showed alot of energy, but it was all that East-West running bullshit that Reggie Bush was doing in ‘07 and ‘08. This is the LEAGUE baby, that dont fly. I like physical north south frolickers. Also, I kind of fucking hate pugs.
SB: Absolutely inexplicable, Vato. This guy is the Ted Ginn of the NPL- pure speed with no hands or toughness. The announcer said it best: “If only he could hold on to the ball.” But you’re going to get these kinds of things when you let fans vote on the MVP.
4) VL: Agreed. I believe Tonka probably deserved the MVP. He was playing with alot of energy and physicality out there. Sure he didn’t have the flashy stats, but he was a dominant presence on defense. He got a couple dumb penalties called on him, but what do you expect from a 10 week old? Give this guy a little time to mature into a 12 or 13 week old, and I think he has got a real bright future in this league. Fava also had a really great outing. Much like his namesake Bret Favra, he is entirely too old for the league, but he has a savvy veteran presence and scored 2 key touchdowns. Doesn’t look like he has lost a step, even at 16 weeks.
SB: Garbage Vato. Blaze and Chamomile have to be in this conversation. Blaze was just wrecking shit early on, and Chamomile was absolutely smothering. It was Chamomile Island out there. Nobody gets off.
5) SB: But the shining stars were few and far between. The level of competition we saw at times was just appalling. You have these great talents that were taking plays off. Eenu is this physical specimen that clogs up the water bowl, and then he’ll just relax for a couple of plays. Tater Tot is a great talent, but if you don’t get him the ball early he gets frustrated and checks out. You got pups taking naps on the field. And Jumby is the Tom Brady of the NPL. Just a good looking guy that prances around alot. The NPL really has some work to do if it wants to maintain its 2 billion viewers.
VL: Absolutely. Unfortunately the stereotype of the spoiled, prima donna puppy athletes is often grounded in reality. Take a puppy like Bear. This is a former PuppyRivals.com 5-Bone prospect who hasn’t lived up to any of his potential.
6) VL: You know…another thing you have to question here is the management. I think a funny thing about the kitten half time show is that they were probably all born like 12 weeks ago, and everyone in The Who was born like 89 years ago.
SB: Yeah…due to complaints from Focus on the Family and other conservative groups, I hear next year’s half time show will be considerably less gay, and will only feature Elton John performing while boning a Liberace look-a-like.
7) VL: On a more serious note, the National Puppy League Players Association might want to examine that giant sticker thing at midfield at this summers meetings. No one could get any traction on that, and at any moment a puppy could have torn an ACL. I’m telling you right now, if I have to watch a puppy get injured on television, I am weeping uncontrollably for minimum of an hour.
SB: The rules committee is going to have to take a serious look at that. There’s really no excuse for having a field in that kind of condition for the biggest game of the year. You had 5 or 6 just nasty spills where a superstar could have gone down with a career ending injury. We’re talking Wendell Davis in Veterans Stadium. And it contributed in no small amount to the number of flags that were thrown.
8 ) SB: And finally, this isn’t game related, but the Puppy Bowl cheerleaders were just a disgrace. Those bunnies need to go on a diet before their asses get so big they form their own websites.
VL: Cheerleaders are just dancers that have gone retarded.
