The Miami Herald has this pretty excellent article from Dan Le Batard interviewing enormous (in terms of size and rap sheet) Bryant Mckinnie.  This interview with the former Hurricane and current Viking Mckinnie was, of course, set up by the incomparable Luther Campbell. 

I’m not gonna recap this thing, but there were some beautiful moments that I am compelled to cover in bullet points:

  • Bryant Mckinnie spent his time up in the South Beach nightclub with none other than Lil’ Kim.  Presumably he is hitting it.  Mckinnie is 6′8, Kim is 4′9.  Mad props to Lil’ Kim for being down for whateva, that must be an absolute impaling. 
  • The Luther Campbell as the legitimate godfather of southern florida sports thing never ceases bringing me joy and amazement.   I would have never known this had I not watched ” The U”.  I wonder what other crazy shit like this is out there that just flies right under my privaleged white guy radar?  I think the GZA should be the godfather for all NY/Staten Island / Brooklyn based athletes.   He could be the elder statesman / father figure, and he could have all of the 114 Killa Beez affiliates running around doing the maintenence like cash bounty delivering, ho maneuvering, etc.
  • One thing I never quite understood about the Luther Campbell thing: He is represented as this impossibly successful and rich impressario who funds all the Cane’ players financially.  How many records could 2 Live Crew have possibly sold? Like 300K?   Clearly I am not up on the mid 80’s South Florida rap scene, but how could he have possibly made so much money?   I would hate to think he would ever benefit from any kind of… impropriety.
  • Dan Le Batard got to go to Luther Campbell’s wedding.  Shut the front door.  I would kill all of your moms to go to that wedding.  Can you imagine the NDA you have to sign before they let you into that?  I can only imagine that was the single most sordid and depraved and absolutely awesome wedding / party that ever occured in the world.  Old Testemant god obliterated entire cities for things less wild then a Luther Campbell wedding.   I like to imagine Michael Irvin getting a running start and doing a 25 foot line of cocaine while 300 booty dancers go to town in the background.

  • Bryant Mckinnie got into a Champagne Bottle buying competition that evening, and bought 36 bottles for a reasonable $20K.  The winner? Braylon Edwards, who purchased 51 bottles.  I like to think he had to buy so many because he dropped everyone that was passed to him.
  • Luther Campbell informed Le Batard that Mckinnie doesn’t just make it rain, and does not just make it thunderstorm, but makes it TSUNAMI.  Omg I think I’m going to faint. 

This post is over, I have to go weep silently for living a life that does not involve hanging out with ex University of Miami football players.

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