The question that plagues us all

Well friends, it’s that time of year.  Monday Night Football has been long gone, and soon, the NFL season will be but a distant memory.  After tomorrow, Sundays will become empty voids of space, with no hangover curing football to be seen.  It is a depressing thought, but I could think of no better way to spend the last NFL Sunday than drinking an absurd amount of alcohol while watching a prolific display of firepower.

All season ESPN has subjected us to the hype of a Colts vs. Saints Super Bowl, and here it finally is.  For once ever, a couple of ESPN hype machines managed to actually accurately predict a Super Bowl matchup, and they haven’t shut up about it since.  Each team has an interesting story to tell.  The Colts come in as the favored team, having the genetically enhanced QB known as Dan Marino Peyton Manning at the helm.  Apparently the Colts do better with Peyton as a Coach than they did with Tony Dungee as a coach, though I tend to believe that Cooper Manning is really the genius behind the curtain of those play calls.

On the other hand, the Saints come in like Luke Skywalker.  They are vastly underrated when compared to the might of the Death Star, and nobody outside of NOLA believes they can actually overcome Darth Manning.  But for those doubters, in case you haven’t heard, apparently there was a little hurricane that hit New Orleans a few years ago.  With this little tragedy in mind, President Obama has gone on record as saying he supports the Saints, and you know what happens when Presidents support teams right?  Games get rigged.  (See: Bush re: Patriots)

But enough of the introductions.  Being a CBS broadcast, we have the distinct agony pleasure of listening to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms for an entire game.  Suffice it to say, there will be plenty of things for which to drink.  Without further adieu, drink anytime…

  1. Anytime someone wears pants. See our glossary for the definition of pantswearing.
  2. Anytime you think Speakerboxx(x) is probably being Speakerboxx(x).  Editor’s note: he’s probably being that right now.
  3. Anytime an announcer says something that can be construed as sexual (ex: You know Jim, Brees is really putting his balls in tight holes tonight)
  4. Anytime they mention a natural disaster (I guess something happened in Haiti recently?)
  5. Take a drink, smoke a cigarette, and surrender your possessions to Germany anytime you hear the name Pierre.
  6. Anytime you see a “Who Dat” sign.
  7. Anytime you feel the need to say “Drew Breeeeees”
  8. Anytime the announcers verbally felate either QB
  9. Take a shot anytime you see a hammered Saints fan or a fat Colts fan.
  10. Pop a bottle of Andre anytime a U player does something awesome.  (This includes Shockey getting injured

The Powerball word of the day is: “explosive.” Drink a shot of Goldschlagger anytime you hear the word “explosive.”

And there you have it.  Enjoy irresponsibly.

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