TYSOTB

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Archive for March, 2010

BREAKING NEWS SHOCKERS!!!: Cats’ breath still smells like cat food, Heyward to start for Braves

Mar 26

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in MLB | 1 Comment

Jason Heyward

Today Bobby Cox officially named Jason Heyward, aka Cyberdyne Systems Model T-1024, as the starting right fielder for the Atlanta Braves. In response, NL East members the Florida Marlins and Washington Nationals have requested relegation to the Triple-A International League. Previous contenders to the NL East Pennant, the Philadelphia Phillies and New York Mets have tried to fast track the floating divisions concept so they can switch to the NL West. Roy Hallady has officially requested a trade back to the AL East, after preliminary projections showed that Heyward starting in the Braves lineup would drive his ERA well over 15.00. TYSOTB sources indicate that Johan Santana will retire to pursue a career in NASCAR, and that he sucks. More on this story as it develops.

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Wayne Bridge is still devastated

Mar 26

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Other Sports | No Comments

From MediaTakeout via Ben Maller, it looks like England footballer Wayne Bridge is rebounding like DeMarcus Cousins. Word on the street is that homeboy was taking Ray-J and Reggie Bush’s used car for a test drive in Miami. Bridge, of course, is most famous for getting his main bitch Vanessa Perroncel snatched up by England captain John Terry, who got her pregnant, and then got her un-pregnant. Super-alpha Bridge immediately responded by tucking tail and running from the English national team for the World Cup this summer. Kim Kardashian, of course, is most famous for absolutely nothing. In any case, just to make you feel bad about your career choices, here’s a gallery of the last two women Wayne Bridge has publicly been linked with.

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Might as well shut down the Oscars for 2013

Mar 25

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Bad Decisions, Other Sports | 1 Comment

David Beckham naked

One for the ladies. And guys in prison.

Via The Big Lead, former English soccer player Vinnie Jones wants to remake the 1981 soccer joint “Victory” and give David Beckham a job acting in it. For Becks, this is a no-brainer because his soccer career is over. For Jones, its a rather shrewed maneuver to lock down an actor with the subtlety of expression that rivals DiCaprio wait what the fuck are you thinking? Have you seen the Ali G Becks interview? David Beckham may look like a classical Greek statue, but he also has the personality of one. I guess you can make money by putting a good looking famous soccer player in a soccer movie, but christ its not like there’s a shortage of people that can fake it. Matt Damon wasn’t a world class rugby player before he went in to acting you know. Anyway, here’s the best interview of all time.

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And behold, a pale horse

Mar 25

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in NFL | No Comments

It must be the apocalypse. I actually agree with something that came out of Stephen A. Smith’s keyboard. Probably despite his best efforts, and all of the intolerable little Stephen A. Smith mannerisms (corn on the Kalb? come on man), he manages to arrive at the correct conclusion that the Eagles is doing some non-righteous shit to Donovan McNabb right now. Of course, this is largely an issue of loyalty and other such values, so it fits squarely in Stevie A’s rather narrow wheelhouse of faux-moral outrage. But since he’s right this time its real moral outrage.

Stephen A. Smith in studio

I'm just a gangsta I suppose...

Of course, I’d like to see a little more appeal to rationality, like pointing out the fact that D-Mac gives the Eagles the best chance to win a Super Bowl for the next 3 seasons at least. But you don’t look a gift Stephen A. Smith in the mouth I guess. It’s also probably a good thing this was communicated to me in print. I think if I heard him say this on TV or over the radio with every syllable of every word unnecessarily emphasized in a completely transparent attempt to maintain street cred with his “keep it real” shtick, I might immediately demand that D-Mac be strung up in town square.

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Denial is a harsh mistress

Mar 24

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Bad Decisions, NFL | No Comments

Donovan McNabb afro

The chair aint recognize your ass.

This does not brighten my mood. Despite my best efforts at self delusion, it’s looking less and less likely that Donovan McNabb will be an Eagle next season. This really shouldn’t be a surprise since Adam Schefter has been saying this for weeks, and I’m firmly convinced that guy is a self aware computer that is hacked into the consciousnesses of NFL GMs through some kind of defense mainframe. Man, Westbrook and D-mac in the same off-season. And I’m only going to have 4 months or so to turn myself into a Kevin Kolb, or worse, a Mike Vick fan. Jesus. Any room left on that Cleveland bandwagon?

UPDATE: Predictably, the comments on the above article from the Philadelphia intelligentsia (used as ironically as possible) are ridiculous. Here are a few choice tidbits, along with my rejoinders.

McNabb to St. Louis for their first round pick would be perfect, then the Eagles could take Hsu.

Thanks for the personnel consulting there, L. Ron Hubbard. And as soon as that deal’s done, Philly can resign Westbrook, jump in to a time machine, and go back to 1989 and trade him to the Raiders for Bo Jackson. You know, he literally cannot be tackled if he runs in zig zags.

if the Eagles could get a top 5 draft pick (obviously they’d have to deal up more than just McNabb) and if he was still there, I’d love to see them take Sam Bradford and let Vick start this season with Bradford behind him, then let Bradford start in 2011. Just a pipe dream, but hey, an Eagles fan can dream right? It’s all we have.

Facepalm.

I hate Donovan’s guts, but that doesn’t make me stupid. He still works very well in Ried’s system and has been to the superbowl and deep into the playoffs multiple times.

Then what other possible reason could you have for hating his guts? It’s not like the guy sits around and clubs baby seals while he gets blow jobs from 10 year old alter-boys on the steps of Independence Hall, bringing shame and disgrace to the franchise and the city. Mostly he’s just the least appreciated star in football history, and has been put in every conceivable difficult situation and handles it with previously unimaginable class and dignity every time.

Again … they get rid of McNabb and the QB who will lead them to a Super Bowl win is Kevin Kolb? That’s like saying Byron Leftwich is your QB of the future … just with less fat.

This is from a Giants fan. It’s a sad state of affairs when those degenerates are the voice of reason.

Eagles fans make it so hard to be an Eagles fan.

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Bill Belichick loses keys. Yeah it was a tragedy. What was the question?

Mar 16

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in NFL | No Comments

From Jose Lambiet via Ben Maller, Bill Belichick left his keys at dinner and some police holy shit look at the knockers on that chick he’s banging. I feel the good still in you, Darth Vader. The details of this story are pretty funny, but I think the question we all want to know the answer to is can we get a picture of Linda Holliday’s daughter wiiiiiiillll you?

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Kyle Boller finally makes a name for himself

Mar 16

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Drunk Athletes, Good Decisions, NFL, Other Sports | No Comments

Can we do it without the Speedo? Just this once?

And that name is the sucker that Carrie Prejean actually weaseled a ring out of without any apparent coercion after she couldn’t get pregnant by Michael Phelps. Be all that you can be Kyle. According to the NY Post, a close friend of Prejean repeatedly advised her to get pregnant by Phelps. To be fair, the Post only says that a friend advised her and that it never really happened, but I think the evidence clearly suggests Prejean tried repeatedly. At the very least, it’s unsurprising that she surrounds herself with these kinds of detestable people, given that she is a detestable hypocrite herself. With this story, Prejean moves herself squarely in to the #1 spot in the World’s Most Awfulest People power rankings. This chick makes me want to go cuddle with Rick Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. Now there’s a pretty picture. Way to put that swim cap to good use, Mike.

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Breaking news: Tiger Woods golfs, too

Mar 16

Posted by Deutschebag in Other Sports | 2 Comments

Tiger Woods flexing

As reported earlier today, Tiger Woods will return to the world of golf by playing at the Masters.

In other news, all major networks have decided to cancel the NCAA tournament in order to make ample room for the continuation of “Tiger Watch 2010.”

TYSOTB would like to remind you that Tiger doesn’t owe you shit.  Now, here is a picture of Elin for your viewing pleasure.

Edit: of course the internet was wrong and this chick isn’t actually Elin, but I can’t find her real name and she is still hot…so it will suffice.

Elin Nordegren Woods topless

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College Basketball Update: Evan Turner was sent by he who is called “I AM”

Mar 12

Posted by Deutschebag in NCAA | No Comments

Evan Turner dunking on some fools from Massachusetts

If you don’t know Evan Turner, your ass better ask somebody.

Early in the year everyone in the world was hailing freshman phenom John Wall as the single best player in basketball, and of course everyone in the world was wrong.  Evan Turner came in the year as a fairly acclaimed junior, but was mostly overlooked by the hype machine that is ESPN because he doesn’t play for UK, Duke, UNC, or Kansas.  Halfway through the season, he broke his back and was expected to miss several months.  Ultimately, he came back after a little over a month, and has simply been the best player in the nation since.

Now I don’t know about you, but I can’t really rattle off the names of many athletes who break their back in the middle of a season, and then return to produce results that will likely vault him to being named Player of the Century Year.  The only explanation?  He is clearly some kind of Holy prophet that was sent to exact righteous vengeance on the scourge that is known as the University of Michigan.

I urge you to take a close look at  the reaction at 1:35.  Simply put: pwned.

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Nerdy math guy predicts MLB season, Joe Morgan begs to differ

Mar 12

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Department of Mischief and Disinformation, MLB | No Comments

Bruce Bukiet, associate professor of mathematical sciences and associate dean of the College of Science and Liberal Arts at the New Jersey Institute of Technology has released the results of a mathematical model that predicts the results of the 2010 MLB season. Although his model has proven accurate six out of the last eight seasons, ESPN analyst and old school baseball guy Joe Morgan is dubious. When TYSOTB offered Morgan the opportunity to dispute Bukiet’s methodology, he jumped at the chance. Ironically enough, Morgan has contributed a “Fire Joe Morgan” style refutation of the New York Post’s report on Bukiet’s prediction.* The text is below.

Derek Jeter, Albert Pujols and baseball’s other greats have barely begun spring training, but a mathematician from New Jersey already knows what kind of season they’ll have, Fox News reported Wednesday.

MMM…Derek Jeter slurp slurp slurp. You can’t measure intangibles slurp slurp.

But the American League West is too close to call, with all four teams within five wins and the Texas Rangers, Oakland Athletics and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim expected to win 82, 81 and 80 games respectively.

I really don’t understand how you come up with those numbers. I mean there’s only 162 games in the season, and there’s four teams in the division so each team can’t win more than 80 games. And the A’s will lose every game because they don’t bunt or steal, so I predict they’ll finish at least 5 games below .500.

And if you’re a Mets fan, never mind what Yogi Berra said. It’s over and it ain’t even started yet.

The Mets are due for a great season. You know, that’s why we play the games, Steve. Steve?

according to Bruce Bukiet, an associate professor of mathematical sciences and associate dean of the College of Science and Liberal Arts at the New Jersey Institute of Technology.

See this is the problem you have with guys who haven’t played a day of baseball in their lives trying to make predictions like this. These ivy-league professor guys are guys who are just sitting around in their mother’s basement playing with calculators and their opinions are just as valued as guys who have been around the game for 50 years.

Bukiet bases his predictions on a mathematical model he developed in 2000, one that computes the probability of a team winning a game against another team with given hitters, bench, starting pitcher, relievers and home field advantage. For this season, Bukiet has refined his algorithm slightly, incorporating a more realistic runner advancement model. Whatever that is.

You’re always going to run in to trouble when you base results on models and not on reality. Besides, there’s three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. Since it’s possible to lie with statistics, it follows logically that everyone that uses statistics must be lying. He’s right about one thing, though. You have to advance the runners.

The professor claims to have beaten the odds in six of the eight years he’s been using the model.

There’s no reason to believe his success is attributable to anything but random chance. A sample size of eight seasons is really not large enough, statistically speaking, to generate reliable inferences. You see, according to the Central Limit Theorem, the efficiency and precision of an estimator increase asymptotically. The conventional wisdom is that a sample size of at least 30 is necessary to achieve a basic level of confidence in the estimated proportion.

The Pittsburgh Pirates will repeat as the worst National League team with 66 wins, and the Cleveland Indians will win 67 for the most futile effort in the American League.

I predict great seasons from these teams. They have great locker room guys and great chemistry. And you never know what’s going to happen in a locker room like the Yankees with all those egos. I mean if Derek Jeter wasn’t so classy and a consummate professional leader.

Closing remarks: We gotta play ‘em one day at a time. I’m just happy to be here…hope I can help the ball club. I just wanna give it my best shot, and the good Lord willing, things will work out.

*Joe Morgan did not actually write this column, obviously.

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