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Take Your Skirt Off Tom Brady

Archive for February, 2010

RHMWAFFIPW: GOD BLESS AMERICA

Feb 26

Posted by Vato Loco in The RHMWAFFIPW Award | 2 Comments

The Rodney Harrison Memorial Weekly Award For Feats in Pantwearing is awarded to that individual who in the prior week has acted most in accordance to the highest standards of not being Tom Brady. This can be described as excellence in badassery, not skirt wearing and by extension successful pants-wearingship. The winner will receive the prestigious Dockers Trophy. Find a list of previous winners here.

2nd Runner Up: Manu Ginobli

America is a melting pot, so I can without reservation honor Manu Ginobli for this fine example of pwnage.

Wow, this Kevin Durant guy must suck.

1st Runner Up: Jason Heyward

Homerism alert! This is what happens when I have to write the RHM.   Baseballs #1 prospect, and my #1 cause of non-Tebow related sportsgasms, Jason Heyward reported to Spring Training this week.   He promptly redefined what the Atlanta Braves thought human beings could do to a baseball.   Heyward blasted a ball so far past the outfield wall that it nailed the assistant GM’s car.  This led to the Braves having to go to the extraordinary measure of installing nets over the parking lot that was supposedly too far away for a human to hit a baseball too.   Note that the Braves have been practicing here for years, with power hitters like Chipper Jones, Andruw Jones and Brian Mccann not having similar problems.

Some quotes from Heyward’s batting practice:

“But this … this is something different. The 245-pound Heyward hits them with such ferocity that the ball not only makes a different sound coming off the bat – as Bobby Cox, Tim Hudson and others have noted – but it also whistles past with a different sound when you’re standing between the dugout and first-base line. Seriously, it does. I noticed that yesterday when I was standing over there with my back turned, talking to someone. — Dave O’ Brien, Atlanta Journal Constituion

“His line drive is like the old Hank Aaron sound” —Bobby Cox

OMG I need a cold shower.

RHMWAFFIPW WINNER:  Ryan Miller

This one was wasn’t even close.  Somebody would have had to dunk on a 13 foot rim over a roid raging hippo, and then punched Skip Bayless in the face on live TV to even enter the conversation.

Ryan Miller defended your freedom to the tune of 43 MF’ing saves to lead the US of A in a shocking 5-3 upset of the evil empire of Canada.  That is 43 Commie Bullets that Canada aimed directly at our non socialized medicine and right to bear arms.

For too long America’s Hat has been bullying our hockey players and hoarding all of the Moose(s?).   And let’s not forget the cultural horrors of Celine Dion and Molson Ice we have had inflicted upon us.   Ryan Miller stood tall against the soft spoken and disarmingly polite giant and exacted vengeance. 

God bless America, and God Bless you Ryan Miller.  Even the RHMWAFFIPW, sportings most prestigious award, is not enough for this valiant defense of our great nation.   I propose some sort of congressionally funded hot chick blow job system, where each state donates 200 or 300 hundred really hot girls to a national pool whose job is to blow Ryan Miller whenever he wants for the next 10 years.  Not that he will have any shortage of volunteers after this, anyways.

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Rick Reilly is incredibly sexist

Feb 26

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Other Sports | 2 Comments

Image Credit: www.mouthpiecesports.com

Recently, Kelly Kulick became the first woman to win a Professional Bowlers Association Tour title. Congratulations to her. Unfortunately, Rick Reilly, in a typically feckless and self-serving attempt to position himself as the arbiter of all that is true, just, and righteous in the world of sports, has declared this accomplishment to be “The greatest moment in women’s sports.” His sole criterion for making this ridiculous assertion seems to be that Kulick beat men to do it. And he apparently has no idea how condescending, patronizing, and downright sexist that logic is. Fortunately, I do.

Let me start with a premise that I don’t think any serious feminist or physiologist would disagree with: On the scales of potential physical strength and speed, the distribution of men is centered around a higher mean than that of women. Put another way, ceteris paribus, men are likely to be faster and stronger on the whole than women. Put a third way, elite male athletes trained to achieve their highest potential physical attributes, are faster and stronger than elite female athletes trained the same way. That difference in potential physical capacity, is, I think, one of the only non-debatable differences between the sexes.

Now, bowling is a sport in which that difference does not figure strongly, if at all. The ability to roll a 17 pound ball at bowling speed is a feat well within the physical potential of probably the upper 80th or 90th percentile of all women. I’m no bowling expert, but it seems to me that pure physical strength and speed take a back seat to technique, repetition, timing, muscle memory, and some endurance. I think most serious people would agree that men and women are fairly equal in terms of their potential when it comes to those attributes. So why is it shocking at all that a woman could beat a bunch of men in a bowling tournament? Well, it’s not, unless you’re a twit sports writer that wants to hawk magazines by giving women a pat on the head, while simultaneously reinforcing the dominance of patriarchy by making women’s achievements meaningful only in reference to men.

The history of sports is replete with examples of accomplishments of women that are great for their own sake, and not because they were compared to men. Steffi Graf’s 1988 grand slam, Kerri Strug’s injured olympic vault, Mary Lou Retton before her, Mia Hamm leading the US to a World Cup, FloJo and Jackie Joyner Kersee on the track are all examples that come to mind of women achieving greatness through years of dedicated training, and in the face of unimaginable pressure. Kulick’s achievement should be viewed through that lens, and her accomplishment not minimized by giving it meaning only because she competes with men. Come on Rick Reilly.

Editors Note: I hope our regular readers will forgive this brief foray into feminist theory. I’m certainly no feminist, but I’ll do whatever is necessary to end Rick Reilly. Please feel free to insert your own driving or neuroses jokes at your leisure. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make sure the girl I brought home from the bar last night is doing my laundry correctly. It’s so hard to find good help these days.

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Pictures of Latest Gene Pool Pollution

Feb 26

Posted by Vato Loco in Roughing the Brady | No Comments

This is how Revelations begins

So this week in pansy QB news, the first pictures of Gisele, AKA Tom Brady’s Beard, and her new son are out.   I like to assume she got knocked up by someone like Wanderlei Silva or Chad Ochocinco.  But on the 1% chance that she actually consented to carry Brady’s genetic material via some sort of artificial insemination, we can safely assume that this child has significantly lowered the Pant’s Wearing genetic stock of our species.

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Admiral Ackbar the new Ole Miss mascot?

Feb 25

Posted by Vato Loco in SEC Football | No Comments

 

From the AJC, Admiral Ackbar is a leading candidate to replace Colonel Reb as the Ole Miss mascot.  The movement has 14,000 followers on facebook.  I don’t give this much creedence, because A) it is almost certainly not 14,000 Ole Miss student followers, but 300 Ole Miss student followers and 13,700 star wars nerds B) My balls could get that many followers on facebook if it took the form of any kind of internet meme.

That said, if Ole Miss did adopt Ackbar, I would renounce my Gator pass immediately and apply for some kind of graduate degree at Ole Miss.  And as the AJC astutely points out, the Admiral is the highest ranking of all mascots.

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Somebody give Stephen A. Smith a football team right now

Feb 25

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in NFL | 1 Comment

Go to www.stephenasmith.com and check out the poll results. The People don't lie.

Please. And then put them in the NFC East. Everybody’s favorite Jim Rome knock-off (ed. note: why do you want to imitate somebody that nobody likes in the first place? I digress.) got over his little spat with the Philadelphia Inquirer just in time to drop this abortion, ripping the Eagles for refusing to hold on to veterans generally, and Brian Westbrook specifically. The official Speakerboxxx reaction was to do what I always do when Smith starts talking, namely to bang my head on my desk for a few minutes and then try to rip out my toenails with pliers to see if I can still feel pain. But this time I’m going to throw in the little twist of trying to refute his nonsense with logic and reason. So with the happy disclaimer that I have have a total hard-on for Brian Westbrook and everything he did for the Eagles, here it goes.

No matter how much things may change, leave it to the Eagles to remain the same. Produce, and they’ll keep you.

I’ve always liked the Eagles for their innovative thinking in the front office.

Brian Westbrook sure doesn’t [like it], and who can blame him? After eight years of relatively exemplary service, tainted by an injury-plagued 2009 season, the same running back who led the NFL in yards from scrimmage in 2007 is suddenly looking for a job. Mainly because he was due $7.25 million in a 2010 season that is expected to be uncapped.

What other reason would there be? Anyone with a casual understanding of the market for athletes knows that more often than not, teams are paying for past performance, not current performance. Players put up huge years, get huge contracts, and then regress to the mean. Well managed teams (read: not the Washington Redskins) try to minimize this phenomenon by not overpaying for the value a player provided a season or two ago. Do you really think Westbrook should be compensated in 2010 for the value he provided three seasons ago?

But Reid, Banner and all the others in charge who repeatedly fall short of Super Bowl glory year after every stinking year get to keep their paychecks coming, huh?

Reid is increasingly on a short leash for his in game performance. But Joe Banner manages the Eagles payroll in a way that would make any high end wealth manager envious. The front office continually finds undervalued talent, and as a result the Eagles are one of a handful of teams that has cap space year after year if they need to go after a big name free agent that they think might be worth the asking price. The reason they don’t is that Banner knows he can find comparable production for far cheaper. And Jeff Lurie owns the place.

Where’s Don “Only in America” King when you need him most?

Joe Banner washes his hands before he touches his dick.

The Eagles wouldn’t hesitate to point out Reid’s 108-67 record over 11 regular seasons (a .617 winning percentage). The eight winning seasons in that span. The five trips to the NFC title game. The Super Bowl appearance in 2005. The constant, unwavering, continual support of the local faithful, which has padded owner Jeffrey Lurie’s bulging wallet along the way.

Let me phrase that another way. The Eagles franchise, based on Reid’s tenure, has almost a 50% chance of reaching the conference title game in any given season. That borders on unbelievable in a league with this kind of parity.

And write it down for posterity…on February 25 in the year of our Lord 2010, someone first used the words constant, unwavering, continual, support, and faithful in the same sentence to refer to a Philadelphia Eagles fan base who, regarding personnel and performance, is as capricious as any in American sports.

But what about a Super Bowl?

“The Eagles don’t really care about that,” said one noted NFL agent, preferring anonymity, knowing he may have to deal with the Eagles in the future. “It’s not that they don’t care about winning. It’s really about what they define as winning. They pride themselves in being like the Patriots, but they’re nothing like New England. The Eagles look to scoot away talent at age 30, looking to infuse their youth movement, while the Patriots won’t hesitate to add a veteran here or there.”

Let me put this in context. The NFL, with a 16 game regular season, is only slightly better than a crapshoot. That is to say, the sample size isn’t large enough to be sure that the best team is actually winning. Again, the Eagles consistently excellent regular season performance over the last decade is testament to Reid and Banner. But the playoffs are even more of a crapshoot. As Billy Beane knows, all you can really do is consistently put your team in a position to compete in the playoffs. To say that a Super Bowl win after that is pure luck is pushing it, but it is subject to no small amount of random chance.

Regarding the Patriots comparison, there’s more of one than you might think. The Patriots won’t hesitate to add a veteran here or there when the veteran is severely undervalued by the market. Corey Dillon and Junior Seau could have made more money tending bars than most NFL teams were willing to pay them when the Patriots came calling. What the Patriots won’t do is hang on to a veterans at compensation rates that are disproportionate to their production for reasons of sentimentality. Neither will the Eagles.

Brian Dawkins can attest to it. So can Hugh Douglas. So can Jeremiah Trotter, Bobby Taylor, Jon Runyan, Tra Thomas, Troy Vincent, and a host of others.

I’ll give you Brian Dawkins off that list, and maybe Jeremiah Trotter the first time he was released, as mistakes.

That’s not to say the Eagles made the wrong decisions with any of those individuals at the time they were made.

So why cite it as evidence in your argument?

So who will lead this franchise in the season to come, in a likely uncapped year in which the Eagles have eight restricted free agents of their own? Who’ll decide to revert to 2004, when a gutsy move brought Terrell Owens to town, and firmly decide that second place and consolation prizes are no longer acceptable?

What about acquiring Julius Peppers? Or Minnesota’s Chester Taylor? How about calling up the Carolina Panthers and seeing if one of their 1,000-yard runners, DeAngelo Williams or Jonathan Stewart, may be available? And since Broncos coach Josh McDaniels seems to have his issues with Brandon Marshall, why not call Denver for an inquiry to get McNabb some help?

Terrell Owens didn’t win any Super Bowls in Philadelphia, by the way. As for the others, who’s to say they’re not talking to people about these guys. Julius Peppers is probably overvalued, but Chester Taylor certainly is not. Neither is Ladanian Tomlinson while we’re on the subject of veteran pass-catching running backs that excel in West Coast screen happy offenses. DeAngelo Williams will end up being overpaid for past production. Jonathan Stewart could be a bargain, I don’t know. Brandon Marshall could be undervalued because of his behavior issues, but just as likely the Eagles will let a big spender take a flier on him. The point is that you can’t lump all these players together as the type of veteran leaders the Eagles would automatically pass over. Their front office is as good as any at feeling out the market waters, and spending money when they know they can get the appropriate production.

But go for it Steve A. Apply for a GM job, go pay a bunch of “veteran leaders” like Albert Haynesworth and Brandon Marshall and and Brian Westbrook for their 2007-2009 production and see how it works out. Just make sure you do it for a team that’s in my favorite team’s division.

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Ozzie Guillen Joining Twitter, Forever Changing Social Media

Feb 24

Posted by Vato Loco in MLB | 1 Comment

 Shares in Twitter’s hypothetical stock jumped 7,470% today with the news that Ozzie Guillen has signed up for an account.  I can say without reservation that this is the best thing to happen to baseball since Jason Heyward opted for the Braves Organization instead of accepting a Vice President offer from Obama.  The only person I would be nearly as excited about tweeting is DMX during one of his bipolar episodes.  And it is close.

 In this age of whitewashed, boring press conferences, Ozzie Guillen has singlehandedly kept Keeping it Real alive.  He is responsible for the 23 of the 25 sweetest press conference quotes there are.  Including this gem:

“He’s a garbage.He’s always been a garbage.And he will die a garbage.”
–RE: Chicago Columnist Jay Marriotti (who most certainly is a garbage)

 I absolutely can’t wait to see how this unfolds.

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What do you know about the Olympics? Well,I’ve seen it on television of course. Television? NBC. Their coverage is excellent. You’d be surprised at what you can pick up.

Feb 24

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Bad Decisions, Other Sports | 2 Comments

You know…I didn’t really notice it until Vato said something in passing about it a few days ago, but yeah, NBC should definitely consider including some Olympic coverage in its Olympic coverage the next time around. They will routinely get on air and run puff piece after puff piece for an hour or so until the event starts. And then Rick Reilly will say something incoherent. I know they’re trying to generate interest in casual fans, but I don’t think they realize that only people that already have an interest in the event are going to tune in anyway.

And Christ is it really necessary to include 20 hours of curling coverage per day on two or three channels, occasionally simultaneously? I think NBC took this kind of nerd-chic ironic interest in getting into curling as the sport actually having a huge following. I mean, it’s not like I’m really concerned with the Biathlon opportunity cost, but come on. Anyway, all of this is kind of nit picking because the Winter Olympics is really only relevant as an awesome hockey tournament, with a couple peripheral events like figure skating and maybe skiing and snowboarding.

And while I’m on the subject, the rest of the media/blogosphere is correct that the decision to show some of the big events on a delay was stupid. That is all.

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See you at the crossroads Brian

Feb 23

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in NFL | No Comments

The Eagles cut Brian Westbrook today. As a longtime Eagles fan that lived through the Ricky Waters era, it has been an absolute pleasure to watch Westbrook the last 8 years, but it’s time to go. He probably shouldn’t have tried to come back from that second concussion last season, and I hope he’ll take this opportunity to retire for the sake of his health and his family.

Also, Westbrook getting cut a couple of days after Ladanian Tomlinson was not a coincidence. The Eagles see the potential to get a quality running back at washed-up running back market value, and because I’m clairvoyant I’m going to tell you right now, Tomlinson will be a Philadelphia Eagle by the weekend.

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And the hits just keep on coming

Feb 22

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

First I have to deal with my girlfriend being married to Pete Campbell and dating Vaughn, seen performing below. Now I hear it through the grapevine that my head mistress, gold medal winning gymnast Nastia Liukin is stepping out with the Marlboro Man himself, gold medal winning figure skater Evan Lycacek. At least you all are gonna pop out some gold medal winning-ass kids.

Left to right: Alison Brie (girlfriend), Nastia Liukin (mistress), Evan Lysacek (masculine icon)

Clearly I’ve relaxed my keeping my game tight quality control standards. Time for a remedial seminar.

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NASCAR please stop

Feb 22

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Other Sports | 5 Comments

I don’t have a problem in principle with women competing with men, as long as they can actually compete. But NASCAR for the last month or so, and IndyCar before them, and the ESPN machine in general has been trying to sell me on Danica Patrick and its just not working. A couple of days ago my colleague and astute observer Deutschbag noted that Danica has been sucking in the NASCAR Nationwide series, and that it was proof that chicks can’t drive.

I was going to respond with something to the effect of, while yes there is a mountain of incontrovertible evidence that chicks can’t drive, I was willing to cut Danica a break because she hasn’t had time to get used to NASCAR. Then I realized that statement doesn’t make sense for fuck all. NASCAR has been peddling this Danica isn’t comfortable story for two weeks to explain her suckiness. But if you’re still feeling out the car and you’re not comfortable in it, maybe that should give you and NASCAR pause. i definitely don’t want to be driving around at 190 mph with anyone that doesn’t have a feel for her car. Wouldn’t you make sure you had a feel for your car before you entered a race?

Also, why would I ever consider sticking up for Danica Patrick in the first place? She’s mildly cute, like a 7 on the chicks you meet in real life scale, but 4ish on the celebrity scale. I think she’s won maybe one IndyCar race. It’s not like she just dominated IndyCar so much she had to go find something more challenging to do. She’s not even competing in NASCAR’s top division and we have to make up excuses for her sucking already. The only reason anyone knows her name is because she’s marginally more attractive than Tony Stewart. I was going to throw up some Danica pictures for Google bait, but I’m not a total sellout. Just 50%. Here are some pictures of Ice Dancer Tanith Belbin, who is both hot, and an athlete, either of which is more than you can say for Danica Patrick.

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