TYSOTB

Take Your Skirt Off Tom Brady

Archive for December, 2009

Department of Mischief and Disinformation: Self Serving SEC Links Mostly

Dec 29

Posted by Vato Loco in Department of Mischief and Disinformation | 1 Comment

 

Tebow and DMX Together at Last

There are things that happen in sports sometimes.  Sporadically I will provide you with direction on how to obtain further information on these subjects.

I know what your thinking: Vato, you cover such a diverse array of sports from across the globe… when will spend a little time to acknowledge SEC Football?  And you are right, young lady.  Wait, thats not what you were thinking?  Well screw you witch.  It was my $50 Million investment that bought the array of Cray supercomputers that provide the backbone of the TYSOTB architecture, so I will post 30 consecutive pictures of me and Tebow photoshopped into a wedding ceremony if I want.

What They Are Saying about Tim Tebow (NOLA.com) - The New Orleans periodical assembles about 25 sports writers and gives them a paragraph or two each to furiously fellate Tebow.  God I am going to miss this.  For the next 6 months that is, until he turns Jacksonville into a superbowl winner next year.   BOOYAH. 

Tebow Jokes Highlight Fan’s Confidence in his Abilities-  My favorite Tebow fact?  Tebow is the greatest college athlete of all time and if you don’t agree your a giant commie homo so why don’t you go back to terzekhistan and continue hating my freedom you filthy pederast yeah you heard me THESE COLORS DON’T RUN.

Alabama Players Missing Practice Due to Swine Flu - That’s funny, because I plan on missing some work this week with a terminal case of SWAGG FLU <holds up a giant gold chain, does the chingy dance for a while>

Gator’s Steve Addazio Steps out of Obscurity - Everytime I hear the words “Steve Addazio” and “Interim Head Coach” a little piece of me dies.  I wouldn’t trust Steve Addazio to interim head coach my Madden team.   He would draft Darren Sproles in the first round, and proceed to run 600 consecutive draw plays with him Dave Wannstadt style.

Lindsey Vonn Crashes, Questionable for Slalom World Cup - Ok let me see here <adjusts monocle> there’s some broad called Vonn who partakes in an activity known as Slaloming… <skims down> I don’t see the SEC mentioned in here, wtf.   That said this little minx is relatively cute for someone who spends all her life in the cold.  And you know she leaves those gold medals on in the bedroom. Now thats what I’m talking about, RAWR.

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MNF Drinking Game: Hand of God edition

Dec 28

Posted by Vato Loco in MNF Drinking Game | 1 Comment

Pictured: Vato Loco with a tan

Pictured: Vato Loco with a tan

 Listen, I’m gonna level with you here.  I’m not here to f you around.  I’ve gotta shoot straight from the hip.  Put it all on the table.  Naw mean?  Whatever dog.

Anyways, I need a combined 46 fantasy points from Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin to beat David Rockefeller Jr. in the Bohemian Club Fantasy League Super Bowl.  First prize?  Two Swiss banks and the deed to an island that only rich people know about.   So when I tell you that I will be drinking heavily tonight, you will believe me.   Rulezz:

  1. Anytime someone wears pants.  See our glossary for the definition of pantswearing.
  2. Anytime the announcers say something, that out of context, could be taken as sexual innuendo (Boy, I’d love to have Brett Favre hit me with a couple of balls)
  3. Anytime Speakerboxx(x) is being Speakerboxx(x).  He is being extra Speakerboxx(x)y tonight, trust me.
  4. Anytime the camera shows a shot of Brett Favre with his helmet off
  5. Anytime the camera shows both Favre and Childress, drink double.  If they do a split screen that shows Favre on one side and Childress on the other, finish your drink.
  6. Drink 1/4 bottle of Champagne for each TD scored by AP or Percy Harvin.  Drink 8 bottles of champagne and pour an additional 14 bottles on strippers if they combine for over 46 fantasy points.
  7. Anytime Lovie Smith looks confused
  8. Anytime Jay Cutler throws an interception.  Actually, take a half drink everytime this happens… you don’t want to have alcohol poisoning by the second quarter
  9. Anytime a quarterback gets sacked.  Drink double and high five your buddy if it looks like that asshat Favre is in legitimate pain.
  10. Screw you Brett Favre (do whatever you want man)

And the powerball word of the week is… BENCH.  Drink anytime you hear the word BENCH.

Drink onward christian soldiers.

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The Tao of Ocho

Dec 28

Posted by Vato Loco in NFL | 1 Comment

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There are two kinds of people in this world: 1) People who think Chad Ocho Cinco is awesome 2) Al Qaeda operatives.

In another evolution of the Athlete/Fan experience, Chad recently released the Ochocinco Experience iPhone app.  One totally sweet part of this app is the “Tips from Ocho” section, where Ocho drops mad wisdom on your ass.  Some of my favorites are included here, with commentary (all Ocho Tips are sic):

****************

Ocho Tip:  This is my life n a nutshell: I don’t sleep, all I do is study film, practice, play on-line video games, Twitter, eat Mcdonalds

VL: <faints> god that sounds awesome

Ocho Tip: Don’t matter where you at or what you doing, be the best at it, I’m the best Mcdonalds eater today.

VL: I really feel like Chad wants the best things for me in life.  Also, Chad subsists ENTIRELY on Mcdonalds.  Did you see him on Hard Knocks? He’s goddamned shredded.  How the hell does that work?

Ocho Tip: My Swagg is at an all time high, resulting in the damn Swagg Flu H8N5… there is no cure.

VL: That might be the best sentence ever written.    I’m getting flustered over here.  I need to get Swagg Flu written in script across the front of my Bentley. Another thing,  how the HELL did Ocho not go to The U?  This is the most inexplicable recruiting oversight from Miami since they lost Deion Sanders to FSU. 

Swagg Flu

Ocho Tip: Pick up line for Foreign Girls: Hey Baby, I own Rosetta Stone so theres no such thing as foreign territory!

VL: Also effective for Ocho: “Hi” <immeditately followed by getting laid>

Ocho Tip: Ladies– overlook age and the word scrub and loser, it doent matter if he doesn’t work, job won’t be needed if he gets a hold of you

Jon Gruden:  You think this guy doesn’t want you to get laid? You think this isn’t a guy who is trying to convince chicks to be giving it up to all the other fellas out there? WOW!

ochocondoms

Ocho Tip: My grandma told me UGLY don’t cheat when I was 12 but now I look good, smh, what am I to do (sigh)

VL:  That’s some harsh shit to drop on a 12 year old grandma.   This is the beginning of a pretty funny series of about 10 Ocho Tips where it becomes clear that Ocho rogered whatever little minx he was thinking about, and then his baby mama wiled out on him.   What a hater.

Ocho Tip: A new type of FOCUS that I am using this week — SNIPER FOCUS – there’s no focus in the world like that of a SNIPER – be great!

VL: That sounds significantly more effective than the Smelt Fisherman FOCUS I tried last week

Ocho Tip: After Monday(M) and Tuesday (T) the rest of the week says WTF… Maybe it’s just me, but this is odd!!!

VL: That just wrinkled my brain

Ocho Tip: I hope y’all being great today, be great people please, the hate will come, remember they are just confused admirers, be grat

VL: OK this column is over, I need to go out and be great immediately

chad-ocho-cinco-cincinnati-bengals-snuggie

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Worst Christmas Ever

Dec 26

Posted by Vato Loco in SEC Football | 3 Comments

nuclear-bomb-badger350

I’ll see you at the crossroads Urban.

Waiter, I will take 40 shots of your dirtiest whiskey please.

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Department of Mischief and Disinformation: Lazy updates

Dec 23

Posted by Vato Loco in Department of Mischief and Disinformation | No Comments

UPSGuy1

There are things that happen in sports sometimes.  Sporadically I will provide you with direction on how to obtain further information on these subjects.

UPS Man Sues Joe Namath over Dog Attack-  If the dog brutally murdered that long haired hippie spokesman I’d send Joe Namath over a months worth of whiskey.   That’s approximately 30,000 gallons for Joe.

Broadcast Dispute Could Black out Title Game- I sure wish the SEC Title game had been blacked out.  

Brown’s Lose Quinn for Season – And the Brown’s are now 83% less fabulous then previously.  (Also, did they really “Lose” Brady Quinn?  This has got to be some kind of addition by subtraction thing.  Whatever man.)  On the plus side, the denizens of The Manhole at Loose Ricky’s Bar and Grille should be treated to a couple more appearances a week from their favorite power bottom.

Braves GM Claims he is Working on a “Big Bat” - (Hurriedly calls off ninja karate death squadron that is rapelling into Frank Wren’s office).  You have a 2 week reprieve, Wren.  But until you can put someone in the outfield that has an OPS that would make a decent SAT Verbal score, the N.K.D.S. stays on standby.

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Braves Trade Vazquez, Hopes, to Yankees

Dec 22

Posted by Vato Loco in MLB | 5 Comments

polar bear facepalm

In a universally acclaimed move*, Atlanta Braves GM Frank Wren has traded Javier Vazquez to the Yankees for a sub replacement level outfielder and some prospects that are years away from even having a chance to contribute.   Just to be clear, that is the Javier Vazquez who struck out 238 last year on route to a panty dropping 1.03 WHIP, making him one of the 4 or 5 most effective pitchers in baseball.  

In what amounts to one of the clumsiest salary dumps in recent history, Wren has retained the more expensive, less effective pitcher in Derek Lowe, while shipping off the affordable and actually good at his job Vazquez.   I know what you are thinking:  “This sucks, but we will definately use that new $10M in salary flexibility to sign the big bat whose absence cost the Braves a playoff spot last year.  “  WRONG BITCH!

So basically, in Bobby Cox’s final year, and in the twilight of Chipper’s career, Frank Wren has opted to move our best pitcher and not address our most glaring weakness, power hitting.  Coupling this with an (formerly even more) awesome core of starters and All-World RF Jason Heyward debuting this year, it would be the perfect time to take a run at assembling a contender.  Instead we will enter 2010 with a club featuring less pitching and the same dismal hitting that took us to 3rd place in 2009.

When reached for comment, Vato Loco chugged 15 oz of whiskey and shot a hole in his computer monitor.

*By Yankees Fans

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Tuesday Morning Department of Mischief and Disinformation

Dec 22

Posted by Vato Loco in Department of Mischief and Disinformation | 1 Comment

There are things that happen in sports sometimes.  Sporadically I will provide you with direction on how to obtain further information on these subjects.

Carrie Underwood Engaged to Hockey Dude – Carrie’s fine little stanky azz is marrying NHL Player Mike Fisher.  I am told the NHL is some kind of professional sporting league, but I haven’t fact checked that.

Greg McElroy is Applying for a Rhodes Scholarship – We are talking about THE Greg McElroy right, the one that plays for Alabama?  And is there a different kind of Rhodes Scholarship I don’t know about? Maybe one that is handed out for achievements in chewing tobacco or incest?  I must be missing something here.

Fat man to lead team of untalented fat men in city full of unemployed fat men - Mike Holmgren… uh Browns… uh it’s in Cleveland somewh zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Jeff Francouer Takes Dad on “Dream Trip”- When Jeff was on the Braves I used to dream that one day he would take a trip to first base.  Maybe Frenchy should spend some time this offseason learning to hit the larger white balls that he is ostensibly employed to hit, before he focuses on hitting smaller ones.   Also I like to imagine Frenchy having totally Frenchy like golf tendencies, like poor Tee Discipline and somehow driving into a double play.

Channing Crowder Calls out BS Refs - And rightly so.  Choice quote: “It’s hard enough to beat 11 Titans. You can’t beat 17 Titans”.  I can say without any hyperbole that the Unsportsmanlike penalty on Camarillo was the worst non genocide thing to ever happen in the world, ever.

And most importantly, Tim TeBBow:   A Florida Student created this masterpiece of our lord and savior Tebow entirely out of BB pellets.  Price is no object, I must have this.

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Monday Night Football Drinking Game: Peace and Chicken Grease Jim Zorn Edition

Dec 21

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in MNF Drinking Game | 3 Comments

Sherman Lewis make plays call real good!!

Sherman Lewis make plays call real good!!

As a long-time Eagles fan and current Washington, DC powerbroker, it has been one of the sublime miseries of my life to have to watch the Washington Redskins every weekend for the last 4 years. This season, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of watching Jim Zorn try to defeat NFL powerhouses like the St. Louis Rams, the Cleveland Browns, the Tampa Bay Bucs (sorry Deutsch), and the Kansas City Chiefs, often in succession, and occasionally with futility. So I’m overwhelmed with sadness to announce that this will be the last time many of us will ever get to watch Jim Zorn head coach an NFL team. But you have to have a sense of humor about this shit. There’s no problem that 20 RBVs and a bottle of vicodin can’t solve.* Here’s some rules to get you started, and be sure to double the recipe if you’re a Giants fan, you Godless Communist.

Drink:

1) Anytime someone wears pants, as unlikely as that may be in this game. See our glossary for the definition of pantswearing.

2) Anytime you suspect Speakerboxx(x) is being Speakerboxx(x). Be very suspicious.

3) Anytime an announcer makes sexy talk (boy Eli really slid a long one into a tight hole, Jaws).

4) Anytime Jim Zorn looks like he just got Eiffel Towered by Dan Snyder and Sherman Lewis.

5) Half of your drink for every turnover.

6) Anytime the other Steve Smith is referred to as “The Other Steve Smith.”

7) Three times for any mention of Mike Shanahan, then send a letter to your Congressman asking that they lobby Dan Snyder to retain Jim Zorn.

8 ) Anytime you’re curious about why Antwan Randle El is still gainfully employed as a kick returner.

9) Anytime Eli Manning looks confused.

10) Mother fuck the Giants and the Redskins.

*TYSOTB and the Surgeon General do not actually recommend that you take a whole bottle of Vicodin with 20 RBVs.

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High school cheerleaders should like, totally be taken seriously.

Dec 17

Posted by SpeakerBoxxx in Other Sports | 7 Comments

So the new cheerleading squad at Upper St. Clair high school near Pittsburgh has been invited to perform at the Gator Bowl or something. And they want the readers of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette to know that cheerleading is a real sport. Of course, they back up this assertion with any number of not-ridiculous claims. Oh, wait…

Claim #1: The movie Bring It On is not accurate. What?!?! How dare you impugn the journalistic integrity of this documentary masterpiece? What kind of cheer-tatorship are you running up there?

Claim #2: “The stamina to perform a three-minute routine is equivalent to playing an entire basketball game.” I wonder how much time you would have to spend to convince this poor girl that this is false by definition?

Claim #3: The author implies that the cheerleaders are really tough, noting that a senior was practicing her stunts “despite having lost her voice.” Jesus, we’ve got a real Ronnie Lott in the making up there.

I’m agnostic on the whole cheerleading as a sport thing. It’s athletic, and I guess it can technically be a competition so whatever. But this is really not the best way to go about convincing those die-hard cheerleading-is-not-a-sport crusaders out there. Looking back though, seeing as how this is a Pittsburgh area team, these claims aren’t so outrageous. The stamina these chicks probably need to bring their plates back from the buffet would be impressive in itself, forget about a cheerleading routine. And its a pretty safe bet that this team has a couple of badass hosses that in a year or two will be drinking the rugby team at Lehigh under the table.

Not Anywhere Near Pittsburgh High School Cheerleading Squad

Not Anywhere Near Pittsburgh High School Cheerleading Squad

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Ron Jaworski: Your Kid is Fat

Dec 17

Posted by Vato Loco in NFL | No Comments

Over the past several decades, a terrible epidemic has been sweeping our nation.  No, not Sarbannes Oxley (you can audit deez nutz SEC), but Obesity.  And which righteous paragon of fitness shall stand against this tide?  Ron Jaworski.

Ron Jaworski presented what he termed a “startling” epidemic of childhood obesity to Congress on Wednesday.  Jaworski, former NFL QB and current Monday Night Football Analyst / Film Guru, outlined his plan to encourage children to have at least 60 minutes of exercise a day.  Testifying on behalf of both the hilariously named United Way Jaws Youth Fund of New Jersey and NFL Play 60, Jaws did the lords work in persuading law makers to legislate our kids till they are skinny.

I know what you are thinking: Who gives a shit about kids!  And you are right to think that.  But remember this dear friend: Fat chick kids grow up into fat chicks of the age of consent.  Without skinny chicks, who will serve us our chicken wings in skimpy outfits, and who will staff my leisure yacht the SS Spurrier?

Here at TYSOTB, I have long been the only supporter of Jaws as an analyst.   Screw those guys, I think Jaws is awesome.  All he does is spend 130 hours a week locked in a film room analyzing proprietary NFL Game footage.  I like to think he took this same approached to the childhood obesity epidemic.  I imagine him breaking down grainy gym class footage on a projector to try to gameplan against fat kids.

Another funny side note was that it is noted that Jaws “made his points in the same animated way he dissects a blitz on TV”.  I bet that was the awesomest congress session ever.  I hope he brought Gruden with him so they could go back and forth escalating in volume and intensity until Jaw’s forehead vein is throbbing and he is spitting all over congress freaking out about fat kids. 

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