Auburn, Cam Newton, Crowned Most Fabulous in the Land

Heeeeeeeeeey

Seriously, ESPN?  How could anyone anywhere not read that title and not pronounce that “Hey” as “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey” with a lisp.  Or is it just me?  Whatever, I was leaving anyways.

(SEC, SEC, SEC)

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Attention NFL: Do Not Hire This Man

Chris Mortensen is reporting that the Dolphins have jumped headfirst into the breathless tizzy that is HarbaughStock 2010.  Owner Stephen Ross has flown out to the west coast to aggressively court Harbaugh, and is prepared to make him the HIGHEST PAID COACH IN THE NFL.  Did you see how I capitalized all those letters?  If you are new to the internet, that is a device for me to indicate my disbelief.

Ross is reportedly prepared to offer Harbaugh a salary in the $7M – $8M range.  As a man who paid $112M to have an artificial volcano added to my personal island, I understand you have to pay for quality.  But precisely what in the got-danged hell has Harbaugh done to deserve compensation on this scale? 

Harbaugh has been the head football coach at Stanford for the past 4 years.  Here is how they have fared under his steely gaze:

2007 4-8
2008 5-7
2009 8-5
2010 12-1

Woof.  First, let’s remember that he had the benefit of having Toby Gerhart, a man amongst boys in the lame ass PAC-10, from 2007-2009.  And it bears mentioning that Harbaugh did not recruit him, he was recruited by his predecessor.  The 2010 record is impressive, but it was also powered by Andrew Luck being at the height of his powers.  Luck is by general concensus the most talented pure passer in the college game in the last decade. 

As far as I can tell, the only real thing that Harbaugh achieved was convincing a high school valedictorian from Texas to come play football for an institution with superior academics.   Landing Luck was a coup, but given the circumstances not exactly John Henry vs. The Steam Engine on the accomplishment scale.

“But Vato,” I imagine you saying, “You are so impossibly handsome and right about things all the time.  I envy your muscular build and classically sculpted features.   But what about Harbaugh’s NFL pedigree?”

I’ve got a new drinking game for you.  Turn on Sirius NFL Radio, or any local sports radio that is covering the Harbaugh situation, and drink anytime you hear the word pedigree.  If you start now you will be banging a fat chick within 2 hours.  It’s that bad.

Good lord the “NFL Pedigree” line of reasoning is offensively stupid.  As the incomparable Speakerboxx put it, “90% of NFL behave like medieval aristocrats who believe that certain people are pre-ordained for success”.   I get it, he played in the NFL and his brother is the coach.  But let’s talk about his NFL Coaching Experience. 

2002 Offensive assistant coach – Oakland Raiders
2003 Quarterback coach – Oakland Raiders
2003-2010 ….

That’s it.  That’s all there is.  And everyone is absolutely falling all over themselves to back up trucks full of money for this guy to salvage their franchises.   And seriously, how well does college success even translate to NFL Success?  Does anyone remember the Nick Saban lesson?  After Pete Carroll and the Seahawks lose by 130 pts this weekend maybe people will be a little less bullish on this.

There are PLENTLY of threshold level NFL Coaches out there who have proven they can be competitive at this level.   And they won’t need $8M to take the job.   All I want my coach to do is hire some good coordinators, put a basic scheme I agree with in place, and not screw up his time outs.  That’s it.  I feel like I could hire some guy who is pretty good at Madden to do that for like 45K a year.

So just take a deep breath, NFL Executives.  I know how you love to get in an uproar over the bright, shiny new thing.   But this kind of impulsive, poorly thought out decision making is the reason people do things like hire Nick Saban to coach an NFL team or get a New Jersey shaped tattoo that reads “Snooki”

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Dan Uggla Exploiting Free Market System

The Atlanta Braves are close to completing a contract extension with Dan Uggla for $62M over 5 years.   While I admire our efforts to add someone to the lineup who can at least generate enough power to break a glass window, that contract seems a mite aggressive to me.  Sure, $62M is how much revenue my conglomerate (Manufacturing, Textiles, Bluefin Tuna Catching, Carribbean Treasure Hunting)  generates every 3.5 hours, but for a mid market baseball team that can be potentially crippling.

Uggla has only really had 2 years with an OPS+ that I would consider premium (126 and 130 in 2008 and 2010). Meanwhile Martin Prado has put up a three year stretch of 121, 117, and 119 OPS+ from primarily the 2B position. We pay Prado 440K a year. Not much of an incremental gain in production for paying someone 20 times the money.

So what do we do with Prado, since we are paying someone $62M to be barely discernably better?  Prado can nominally play 2B, SS and 3B… but is really his most effective at 2B. Defensively there is alot of noise in their UZR’s so I am not sure what to think, but no one is going to be winning a ton of gold gloves.

Long story short, thats alot of money I wish we had used to sign Adam Dunn.

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The Dawn of a New Era

I’m just a humble sports blogger, international socialite and North American Lover of the Year for 2002, 2005-2007 and 2009… but even I can realize when we are witnessing the birth of a new era of human civilization.  The Tebow being awesome at NFL football era, as historians shall know it.

Sadly #24 died as a result of this play

I spoke with the pope on our Monday morning Shadowy-Cabal-of-Power-Brokers-Who-Control-The-World-Behind-The-Scenes conference call.  We have decided to make the following revisions to Christianity, effective immediate, based on Timmy’s performance:

Please update your religious beliefs accordingly.

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Pwned: Redux

This is the best knockout that ever was, and ever will be. The game is over.

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Pwned

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I’ll see you at the crossroads

Kiss the rings

It’s that time of year again.  Christmas trees are going up, the Dolphins are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, and Urban Meyer is retiring.   Much like hiring brazilian models to hold up my stockings for the month, mourning Urban’s retirement is swiftly becoming a holiday tradition around the Vato mansion-hold (poor people have households).

Thanks for the memories, Urban.  Take it away, Bone

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RHMWAFFIPW Week of 12/03/10

The Rodney Harrison Memorial Weekly Award For Feats in Pantwearing is awarded to that individual who in the prior week has acted most in accordance to the highest standards of not being Tom Brady. This can be described as excellence in badassery, not skirt wearing and by extension successful pants-wearingship. The winner will receive the prestigious Dockers Trophy. Find a list of previous winners here.

Before we delve into this weeks esteemed pants wearers, a brief refresher course on Pants Wearing is in order. I lack the poets touch to accurately describe the glory of a Pants Wearer. To begin understanding what it is to wear pants, peruse the past winners here.

However without darkness we could never perceive the light. The below video of Christiano Ronaldo taking a dive succinctly explains what it is to not wear pants more perfectly then I could attempt:

And there you have it.  On to this weeks winners:

2nd Runner Up: Blake Griffin


Blake Griffin plays a sport called (reads note card) Bass-Ketball where the athlete endeavours to deposit some sort of orb in a round, open structure.  Apparently Mr. Griffin excels at this particular activity in a notably manly, pants wearing fashion.  A compilation of a recent Bass-Ketball competition featuring Blake Griffin is seen here.

My, what a formidable gentleman!  Such acrobatics and viscerosity!  A pants wearer indeed sir.  A pants wearer indeed.

1st Runner Up: Peyton Hillis

GET SWOLL AMERICA

I gotta tell you, I just don’t get the Peyton Hillis situation.  He is without a doubt a bad, bad individual who you should not attempt to tackle under any circumstances.  But how was he possibly traded for Brady Quinn?? And if he is so awesome, as he evidently is, how come no one ever figured it out before this year?  I remember him putting a pimp hand to the Dolphins in 2008 at one point, heard nothing about him last year, and now he is a freaking Tyrannosaurus.   Baffling.

Over the past four weeks he has put up 220, 109, 143, and 194 yards from scrimmage consecutively.   And he does this by running directly at people under the presumption that they will either get out of the way or be obliterated by contact.  That is how pants wearers accumulate yards.

WINNER: Andre “The U” Johnson


What else is there to say? Cortland Finnegan has been playing this crap for years, and when you mess with the bull you get the horns.  And the bull in question is a shredded 6’3 225 lbs and went to The U.

How awesome is it to finally have a good football fight?  Football fights are generally the most pointless thing in the world.  Go ahead and punch me in the helmet dude.  That is great for your metacarpals.  But our boys here brought a hockey fight to the football arena.  And what a breath of fresh air it was.

It certainly doesn’t hurt that we had a clear protagonist and antagonist, and that it played out in story book fashion.  Congratulations to the victor, Warrior Poet Andre Johnson.  A man who wears pants is not to be trifled with.  Let that be a lesson to you all.

Uncle Luke Approves This Message

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Wall Street Journal: My Cat’s Name is Mittens

My Cat's Breath Smells Like Cat Food

In troubling times such as these, it is good to know that one of our nation’s most revered publications is turning a critical eye to the important issues of the day.   The Wall Street Journal has spent the last 6 years and $212M* funding the research of their cultural paradigm shifting piece “NFL Players sometimes say a joke school instead of their alma mater on Sunday Night Football”.   Surely there is an untold story of legendary reporting fieldwork, political skullduggery, and vast intrigue associated with this project.  I can see an “All The Kings Men” type thriller coming out of this in a couple of years.

But seriously.  The WSJ Team Of Trained Monkeys department concluded that of the 549 player introductions this year, 5% fall into the “Joke/Commentary” category.    Somebody get the Nobel Prize ready for these guys.

While we are on the subject, I want to go on record as being TOTALLY in favor of the joke answer to this question.   If I make it to the pros soon, I won’t be wearing a monocle and an ascot talking about “(super white monotone voice) Harvard Undergrad, Harvard MBA sir.”  Hell naw.  I’ll be all “SWAGGER U” and then drop mad U’s on America.   I don’t care how handsome and privileged I am (and it is a lot), America wants to be ENTERTAINED, SON!

I also don’t care how tired people get of players answering “The U”.  I think it is awesome damnit.  Go watch the 30 for 30 “The U” documentary and then tell me they don’t get to introduce themselves a unique way.

Undergrad The U, MBA from Swaggin' University

*These just aren’t real numbers at all

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Garbage time just got sexy

Yeah that is Nick Saban spanking a grown ass man on national television.  And woowee that wasn’t any pussyfoot PAC-10 hitting there.   Saban beat him like he was owed money.

Let this be a reminder, TYSOTB nation.  I may be too busy yachting across the globe, finding danger and romance at every port of call, to update with my previous frequency.  I may not get to post every piece of Nick Saban is evil incarnate piece that crosses my inbox.

But Nick Saban is still out there being a terrible human being, every day.  Never forget dear readers.  Never forget.

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